BILLINGSGATE POST: Some of my faithful readers might recall recent stories where I have written about Wile E Coyote and the ACME Corporation. Now, with some license requested, I have taken it upon myself to recast the epic confrontations between Wile E Coyote and the Road Runner in a modern setting. Using the original list of rules implemented by Chuck Jones to set strict rules of engagement between the two adversaries, I will apply them as best as possible to Vladimir E Coyote and the Trump Runner in a series of stories beginning shortly.
RULE 1. THE TRUMP RUNNER CANNOT HARM VLADIMIR COYOTE EXCEPT BY GOING "BEEP-BEEP!"
RULE 2. NO OUTSIDE FORCE CAN HARM VLADIMIR COYOTE - ONLY HIS OWN INEPTITUDE OR THE FAILURE OF ACME PRODUCTS.
RULE 3. VLADIMIR COYOTE COULD STOP ANYTIME - IF HE WERE NOT A FANATIC (REPEAT: "A FANATIC IS ONE WHO REDOUBLES HIS EFFORT WHEN HE HAS FORGOTTEN HIS AIM." - GEORGE SANTAYANA
RULE 4. NO DIALOGUE EVER, EXCEPT "BEEP-BEEP!"
RULE 5. THE TRUMP RUNNER MUST STAY ON THE TRUMP - OTHERWISE, LOGICALLY, HE WOULD NOT BE CALLED TRUMP RUNNER.
RULE 6. ALL ACTION MUST BE CONFINED TO THE NATURAL ENVIRONMENT OF THE TWO CHARACTERS - THE WORLD STAGE.
RULE 7. ALL MATERIALS, TOOLS, WEAPONS, OR MECHANICAL CONVENIENCES MUST BE OBTAINED FROM THE ACME CORPORATION.
RULE 8. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, MAKE GRAVITY VLADIMIR COYOTE'S GREATEST ENEMY.
RULE 9. VLADIMIR COYOTE IS ALWAYS MORE HUMILIATED THAN HARMED BY HIS FAILURES.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!