Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 12 January 2017

As a country (I mean the UK, you know a proper country) we have a tendency to fawn over people who wear incredibly expensive jewellery, live in palaces and expect the tax payer to foot the bill when their roof has a leak. So to play to the gallery as it were here are seven facts you didn't know about our future Queen Kate Middleton.

1. As part of the Royal Family she has several other titles including "Lady Carrickfergus" when she's in Northern Ireland, "My Giddy Aunt" when visiting Australia and "That Posh Bint" when in or around the Hull area

2. Whilst at school she excelled in most sports but since taking on Royal duties she has only been able to take part in Williams favourite: Hunting the poor through the grounds of Sandringham

3. She graduated from University with a Master in art. Like most people with this "basket weaving" degree she is unemployed

4. Her wedding cost, what experts call, "A fuck tonne of money". But don't worry she didn't pay for it. You did.

5. She is often praised for her eye for fashion and is often on the edge of the most expensive trends. But don't worry about her overspending on clothes. You're footing the bill.

6. She has been selected as one of the most influential people in the world. Twice. Which is a great achievement for someone who has all her speeches written for her and has a tighter controlled vocabulary than

7. Her two children will never know the need to either pay the heating bill or get fed. They will never know not having the best toys or the greatest holidays because you'll be paying for them your entire life. Your kids however will probably know that "mummy can't afford much on Christmas this year". Maybe they should write to George and ask him if they can borrow some of his toys.

We'd have wrote ten but giving these bad massive benefit scroungers any press is really against our morals.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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