Written by Dr Farquar

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Saturday, 7 January 2017

Stuff You Won't see on eBay

Robbie Williams backstage pass to appear on 'Trish'

David Seamen anagram for his last name 'Enema's (who says nothing gets past him?)

Arnold Shwartzeneggers benchpress (he won't be spending 12 hours a day in the gym now!)

Laurence Llewellen Bowen's personal handmirror in scrolled gothic 'very euro bohemian' gilted in gold flake and old virginia with those art deco pure Mackintosh paisley and international chiswick flyover bunting curls for those who like doing impressionism for the renaaissance cubist and MDF nailgun.

Paul Wellers K-tel and Ronco D.I.Y barber kits.

Nicki Clarkes invoice for the above to re-package and re-sell.

Sean Connery's buspass for public transport that is customised by 'M' containing laminate four hidden exocet missiles and silver bead chain that turns into a instant garrote and with one quick rub on the id serial number will send a jet of battery acid into the busdrivers eyes if he misses your stop.

Jonathan Ross's warrant for arrest concerning a missing blouse from Laurence Llewelyn's wardrobe.

Atomic Kittens used pregnancy testers.

Keith Richard's lung biopsy.

Goldie Hawn's complete colonic irrigation set bequeathed Joan Rivers.

Syd Barretts memoirs consisting of 983 blank pages except the last one which say "Fuck me what was that shit?"

Kenneth Brannaugh's Harley St request for votox injections in his lips.

George Michael's portaloo.

Dick Van Dykes cockney voiceover tape for Americans visiting Tower Bridge. "And 'ere's tower bridge ..luvverly tell yer Mum..everyday's an' 'oliday wiv Mary...Mornin' guvner, supercalifragilisticexpialeedocius,let's go fly a koit..."

Planning permission for Christine Hamilton's brothel.

Pamela Anderson's bikini line strimmer.

Ian Duncan Smith's "Speaking Up" self-assertion certificate of attendance.

Robert De Niro's children's story bedtime tapes with a goodnight kiss and the words "Hit the hay, Motherfucker!"

Al Pacino's cuddly toy with string pull vocals like " You Dumb F*** where's the Motherf******g toybox ?
A**hole, eat my S*** you dirtbag Motherf*****g lowlife c***sucking Motherf*****r I'm gonna blow your Mother
F*******g head off ..so F*** you A**hole!.

Jo Brand's hammock.

Johnny Depp's hair removal cream for non-shavers.

O.J Simpson's lawyer's written request to represent Ian Huntley.

Ozzy Osbournes ordinance survey map to the fridge.

Jack and Kelly Osbournes' new arrival back to planet they came from.

Elton John's first National Health specs.

Bobby Sand's and Karen Carpenters un-used Tesco vouchers.

One thousand easy-jet tickets to a country that needs liberating.

P.O Ferry for Asylum seekers camping trip to the Isle of Wight plus 50,000 tickets.

Pierce Brosnan's blue screen he uses on set just to prove to his eight children that their Dad is crap at his own stunts.

Mo Mowlams 'Babylisse' hairbraiding set.

Billy Connolly's tips to avoid beetroot eating and goatie care.

Jeffrey Archers prison guide to taking the piss without a slop bucket.

Book on "Is Shergar catfood?"

Also book entitled "Is Lord Lucan that grey headed old bastard on my bus?"

Copy of the "Catkins diet". You can eat everything apart from pussy.

Secret Bob the Builder tapes and what he really said when asked "can you fix it?" Hard evidence reveals comments by him were heard by five yearolds like " Fuck off mate I've only got one pair of hands." and " What ? In this bloody weather?" and finally "My names not sodding Paul Daniels, John......not a lot....there goes my mobile...gotta meet a customer down the pub.....I'll let you know what the damage is when I get back...can I put this fag out in your waterbutt? Bloody 'ell is that the time?...I'm off down the road mate...I'll bill ya ...be lucky."

Ulrika Johnsons virginity.

Cliff Richards call girl phonelist.

Bernards Matthews Linda McCartney sausages.

Michael Jacksons nasal hair trimmer.

Stephen Spielbergs Kodak instamatic.

Jamie Olivers Asda loyalty card.

George Clooneys pilecream

Donald Trumps 'trump' in a bottle.

Colonel Saunders Linda Mc Cartney sausages

Opra Winfrey's last donut wrapper

David Blanes catheter

Michael Barrymores water wings

Philippa Forrester's Robowars handheld vibrator

President Elects' favourite hiding place to wank.

Bin Ladens favourite cave painting

Saddam Hussiens collection of favourite amputees.

Paul McCartneys favourite lifelike prosthesis.

Victoria Beckams' live recordings of the Spice girls and entire solo singing career (no reserve)

David Beckam's favourite waste paper basket

Geri Halliwells puke bucket

The latest human suicide bomber Sylvanian family figure with Islamic extremist squirrels complete with rucksacks of pretend plastic explosives (that's why their plastic).

The list is endless and I could write these rather sick parodies until the cows come.

"Ebay auction ideas for the rich and famous past and present"

The sicker the better. For instance "The paving slab that John Lennon died on...it was his last hit." Or Liam Gallaghers charm school pass certificate.

Cilla Black's Ronnie McDonald cardboard cut out she uses when she can't attend award ceremonies.

A photograph of Claire Rayner trying to place a violin under her chin

Anastasia's appendectomy scar tracing paper.

David Attenboroughs comb.

Dickie Attenboroughs comb.

Scott Tracy's pistol grip water sprayer for those tense moments of perspiration.

Tom Cruise's shoe lifts.

Charles Dance's equity card.

Meg Ryans collection of suicide notes.

Prince Harry's bong.

Dr Stephen Hawkins Twister game.

Jeremy Springers prayer book.

Madonnas loofer.

Catherine Zeta Jones L.A /Welsh accent for those who don't care what she says.

Phil Mitchells safety razor

Fat Boys Slim's bathroom curtains shirt collection

Zoey Wannamakers alter ego Felicity Kendall.

Jades chess set.

Craig's from the first Big Brother's book called "Dey doo doo dat dough, don't day?"

Cher's skewer for pinning her ears together at the back of her head.

Bjork's recording of scratching her fingernail down a blackboard.

Charlie Dimmock's sports bra.

Alan Titchmarsh and Richard Whiteley's co-authorship of "Witty oneliners for those want to be on the telly."

Eminems collection of Mother's day cards.

Harry potter's Grandmother Ann Robinson.

JK Rowlings psychiatric assessment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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