Written by Dr Farquar
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Why don't....

..Police interrogation officers get confessions by pushing the perpetrator into a darkened room with a random upturned 3 pin plug left on the floor.
..can openers have a 'best by' date on them?
..1% of household germs wipe out life on this planet?
..aboriginals when they eat grubs feel disgust when we eat caviar?
..we ever remember the exact amount when our parents asked "How many times have I told you...?"
..they invent synchronised drowning?
..we all die laughing?
..houseflies that have 360 degrees vision and hundreds of separate cell eyes in each eye not see a rolled up newspaper?
..they make Marmite a different colour to shit?
.. Mums let you wear dirty underwear in case you don't end up in a car accident?
.. criminals come up with the perfect crime so we can all commit it?
.. supermarket wardens make obese people park as far away as possible to help them lose weight?
.. prisoners do all our recycling so I can have my life back?
.. stereotypes stop copying each other?
.. placard makers go on strike?
.. people say "have a crap day." It's more usual.
.. socks get sold non-matching and save an hour out of everybody's day?
.. taxi-drivers drive sitting on commodes as they are so full of shit?
.. we all resend our junkmail to No 10 Downing Street?
.. we all eat a catering sized can of baked beans and point ourselves at France?
.. wishbones ever work but are still liable to choke you?
.. the Samaritans tell me to "get a grip and fuck off."
.. Axemen admit its not as easy as 'falling off a log'?
.. born again Christians have two birth certificates?
.. the people who build drains put them where I can't drop my car keys down them?
.. we bring back hanging and do away with tumble driers altogether.
.. the Open University do courses for ugly people so they have to stay in their house.
.. you get ticket touts for British rail?
.. Americans just park a sedan on each other?
.. teenagers shower until they are spotless?
.. people in Slough think a banana isn't a ballpoint pen?
.. shy catholic doctors preach what they practice?
.. chemical blocks in latrines sting the top of my nob?
.. Jamie Oliver's lips move at exactly the same time he is speaking?
.. rapstars leave their crib and grow-up?
.. we re-invent the wheel?
.. we hunt down the person who made those stainless steel teapots at service stations and pour them over him so none of the tea ends up on him at all?
..we not just get from A to B and try and experiment with the rest of the alphabet to plot out progress?
..we stop buying boomerangs in case of further comebacks.
..they make curlywurlys in the original size anymore?
..we ever see pictures of whale pooh?
..racists hate marathon runners?
..pilots go around turbulence?
..white-knuckle ride operators make you fill out a risk assessment?
..mobile homes move more than they do?
..mobile phones have a remote control?
..mobiles on cots self-wind so I don't have to creep in the nursery and re-set it so it doesn't wake the little bastard up all the time, the noisy little shit? Especially when you try to get 'em in the sack without waking the parents.
..boating accidents happen more often?
..they do a kleptomaniac Barbie doll with suction cup hands?
..mug shots start in the kitchen cupboard?
..all the magistrates in the land sew their wigs together and hide a wolf inside?
..people that go to night school get marked absent?
..people who look twice believe it the first time?
..people make onions cry?
..people who say they went to a beauty parlour admit it was closed?
.. large volumes of alcohol make you invisible?
..2+2=5. If mathematics were more flexible, more people would use them.
..people who are dwarfs get smaller golf trophies?
..tall people in London trip over in Leicester Square and bump their head on the London eye?
..skeletons who walk into bars ask for a beer and a mop?
..energy saving bulbs light up? Last time I went to the loo, I had to use a lighter for extra clarity on the clean up. I set light to the hairs on my arse which caused a burning discomfort that made me fart unexpectedly. This turned into a jet of flames and set ablaze the toilet paper that was in my hand covered in poop that then took a hold of the curtains and turned my house into an inferno. Seconds later, catching light to the whole street of houses. The wind carried the flames and they ignited a nearby firework factory that caused a spark soon to engulf a stable where a horse got loose. The poor animal, with its blazing saddle, became so demented with terror it fell inside a nuclear reactor causing a meltdown so severe that global civilisation as we know it has only 30 seconds to live. The moral of the story: don't buy energy saving bulbs that cause Armageddon. They are more likely to annihilate the planet and not save it.
..kindles get left on buses?
..we get paper babies if we marry an old bag?
..we have a watch that really tells the time without having to look at it?
..horses who draw carriages try watercolours?
..we have human flavoured mosquito food we can keep in a small bowl on our heads?
..we use dried rice krispies and milk to affix bathroom tiles?
..we hide our cannabis in care homes to confuse the sniffer dogs?
..we tie tin cans to hearses to cheer everybody up a bit?
..we see Government health warnings on translucent ham?
..we get a taxidermist and shove wadding up their arse, spoon out their eyes, put glass ones back instead and nail a lump of wood to their feet with a little brass plaque saying 'eat this you fucking weirdo?
..we 'all rise' and grab his wig while he is not looking?
..we walk into a bar with jump leads and try and start something?
..we swallow a fob watch just to pass the time?
..we acknowledge that 24 hours in a day and 24 beer in a case is not just a coincidence?
..Avon ladies teach our wives to take orders?
..Fedex and Ups get together and become fed up?
..we fake our death and then wake up at our funeral to see who of our relatives shit themselves first?
..we issue mice to soldiers in Afghanistan to locate IED's? They could be kept on fishing line to pull them out of the minefield when clear. Mice that explode can be given a medal made from a single sequin and shipped back home in a black durex.
..we kill time and fuck up eternity?
..we see how many of us can get into an outdoor hammock at a garden centre?
..we do bugger all to promote minimalism?
..we go up to people about to suffer laryngitis and let them have the last say?
..we go on The Apprentice and when Lord Sugar says "You're fired!" We say "You're ugly but I can always get another job!"
..we invent a time machine that sits outside shopping malls that husbands can clamber into?
..we go to postnatal classes with our wives to learn how to change the baby...say , for instance... "Call of Duty Black Ops."
..we get some wanking shampoo that tells you to 'lather rinse and repeat"?
..we have a photobooth competition called "sword-fighting with our nobs"?
..we empty a jar of anchovies inside a pet shop aquarium and put up a sign "Quiet please! Diddy Koi sleeping."
..we creep into a day care centre after lunch and while they sleep with their mouths open put their teeth in backwards? Presto! When they wake up ..watch them eat themselves!
..we swap all the kangaroos for elephants and make fucking great holes all over Australia!
..we sellotape all the snails to tortoises and hear them scream "Wheeee!"
..we dress up as ladyboys on a Friday night and pretend to be prostitutes like we always do.
..we stick our head up a 1970's style bride's dress and perform oral sex from the window at a British Heart Foundation shop.
..we dress up like caterpillars and turn over a new leaf?
..men forget Viagra and only sleep with snake-charmers?
..we find somebody so fucking stupid and tell them that if they plant cheerios they will get a donut forest and then run and hide and watch them pointlessly water them every day for the next few years.
..we kidnap the child of a dyslexic with Prada Willi Syndrome and Tourettes and then send a ransom note made from Alphabetti Spaghetti and see how long it is before they eat their words?
..we start grinning like a fox eating shit out of a wire-brush and see if other people are as pleased as we are with ourselves?
..we ask God a question that he is never going to know the answer to, like "If I drove my car at the speed of light would my headlights work?" And if he says , "How the fuck do I know?" we can say "Well, if you can't answer a simple question on basic physics like that, I don't want to believe in you anymore."
While we are having this bit of a chat I have to ask you..

Why did you put my balls on the outside so that on occasions they stick to my legs like superglue or shoot up inside my abdomen when I mount my bike too quickly? Surely they would be better off as elbow protectors or slightly non-symmetrical earrings?

Yes, it sounds like bollocks because it is.

101. Last but by any means least. Why can't I live with my real ladder instead of a step ladder?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

58 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more