Written by Dr Farquar
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Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Questions from my patients. Embarrassing Bodies.



Do we all deserve the body we stand in?

I'm a zookeeper. My mouth is where my anus should be. My penis is where my right thumb should be. Should I be careful in the monkey enclosure at feeding time? Claude Nutts

DR F: Lucky you! So you still talk shite but don't need a dummy anymore?

I've an embarrassing body. It's the body of elders at my church. When they are not trying to feel me up and keep showing me their nobs they are offering to shag my Great Grandmother. Lil Tot

DR F: Religious cults are responsible for all the most appalling deviant behaviour towards vulnerable people. I for one, never miss a meeting.

I've an embarrassing body....of water. I've just pissed myself. Curt Short

DR F: Pull yourself together man, or you won't ever sit on my lap again. Bladder control is more difficult for women and needs regular testing. For instance with cystitis, female patients may feel the need to come to my surgery and continue to take the urine, and if they do, I'll fetch them one across the tits.

Why has Buddha got an embarrassing body? Nothing in the book of Zen about eating that many pies, is there? Jemima Blasphemy

DR F: No fat bastard like him is going to teach me anything about self-discipline. You can't replace a BP monitor for meditation. Think about it!

You have an embarrassing body. You have three testicles. Sean Yascrotum

DR F: That's so I can come right left and centre.

I have an embarrassing body. I'm so obese, I can jaywalk while sitting on a park bench. Fatima Leggings

DR F: Don't take on so. You are a little over-nourished, that's all! If you want a reassuring chat with your GP who is here to support you, why not reverse into my surgery anytime. When we know you are coming we will take all the pictures off the wall first.

I've an embarrassing body. I have acne and have tried every product to get rid of it. Last time you prescribed me a balaclava, which did help for a while because in the cold weather nobody thinks twice about staring at me. But to be honest, when its 85 degrees I do get some funny looks on the bus. Lance Pimples

Dr F: It's only a phase! Just keep smiling but don't get too much on the bathroom mirror. A good mental attitude will knock spots of anybody else.

I have a very embarrassing body as I'm made of vegetable grocery items. My hair is made of kale, to match my cauliflower ears. I have a buttonnose made out of a button mushroom for a nose. Two olives in a clove of garlic for both eyes (stuffed with pimentos). My feet are pak choi. I have arms of rhubarb and my legs are fully grown leeks. My torso is a butternut squash and I've got Floridian melons for a chest and a 'starfruit' slagtag above my arse which is made of a pumpkin per buttock .You don't get many of those to the pound, do you? Dotty Cabbage

DR F: I love the added touch of 2 dried apricots to make a clitoris for your husband's courgette.

I'm an Arab Sheik and embarrassed about my nicotine stained teeth but I can't stop sucking on a camel now and again. Mustafa Fagg

DR F: Brush and rinse using circular motions. Use a toothpick to forage for remaining debris. If that doesn't work, try Llamas as they hardly ever get sand in theirs.

I have eczema so bad I rubbed my hands in a Chinese takeaway and filled the shop with flakes of skin so large the queue mistook them for an over-delivery of prawn crackers. Ivor Nitch

DR F: I need a snow machine at the Grunty Fen Nurses Disco tonight...will you stand in front of an open window?

I have a very embarrassing pair of droopy tits like Sainsbury's carrier bags full of marbles. I have to tuck them into my socks out of embarrassment. Sal Gansooth

Dr F: I thought I hadn't seen Jedwood for a while.
NB:If you have an embarrassing body, or any of these senstive issues or the harrowing personal testimonies here have had an impact on your own physical and emotion experience and condition...then...
Tough Bollocks! I'm a Doctor... not a bloody magician!!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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