Written by Doppelbock
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Tuesday, 1 May 2007

image for Re: Opportunities at Cyberbock Industries, Inc. Cyberbock is helping NASA develop FAG-ASS, the next-generation space suit.

To: nancysmith
From: doppelbock
Subject: Position announcements

Nancy, please clean this up and send to HR to publish. And please make sure to cut out the email header and my comments to you -- you know how stupid those HR retards are; they'll probably publish it with all this stuff left in.

- Thx, DB



MULTIPLE FAG-ASS POSITIONS

Cyberbock Industries is seeking to hire multiple Engineers and Project Managers for positions on our Fully Articulated Gyro-Assisted Space Suit (FAG-ASS) team. This exciting new project will develop the next-generation space suit for use in future lunar and Mars manned exploration efforts as part of NASA's future human exploration architecture.

Systems Engineers

Successful candidate will have 10+ years experience in space systems engineering, to include requirements development, system design, adherence to frivolous bureaucratic standards, ability to communicate complex technical concepts to ignorant customers who think their cushy non-competitive government jobs and 1-week systems acquisition short course somehow renders them far more brilliant at engineering than you, etc. Experience providing technical oversight to engineering teams is a plus. This is also a plus: "+". Dammit Nancy, if you switch me to decaf one more time I swear to God you'll be working in the marketing department. I can't focus worth shit here. Pls clean up this paragraph and add something about requiring candidates to have an actual engineering degree -- I'm sick and tired of getting applications from all these goateed hacktards who think they know dickall about systems engineering because they have a "Microsoft certified systems engineer" certificate.

Mechanical Engineers

Successful candidate will have 5+ years experience in mechanical engineering of kinematic and articulated systems, with a BS in Mechanical Engineering (MS preferred). Space robotics experience is desired. Familiarity with NASA's DICKS (Designing Interfaces for Cyber-Kinetic Systems) and BIG-Johnson (Biotechnology Interface Group) standards is a plus, as is experience with the FISTING (Formal Interface Standard for Technical Integration of Naughty Gizmos) best practice commercial standard commonly used within the sex toys industry. Current plans are for both DICKS and BIG-Johnson to be inserted into FAG-ASS; if those plans fall through, Cyberbock Industries intends to do FISTING.

Software Engineers

Successful candidate will have 5+ years in embedded software design and development for space and/or avionics systems with a BS (MS preferred) in Computer Science or Computer, Electrical, or Software Engineering. Experience in the "death march" mode of software development, and in working for spineless project managers who chronically over-commit to overbearing customers, is desired. Experience with the Rapid Application Process Engineering (RAPE) method for conducting in-process software reviews is a huge plus. If you've been on the receiving end of a RAPE before, you'll fit right in at Cyberbock.

Biomedical/Human Factors Engineers

Successful candidate will have 5+ years experience with a BS in Biomedical or Human Factors Engineering, or 2+ years with an MS degree. Strong experience with human-machine interfaces is required; experience with life support or biomedical equipment is a plus. Familiarity with Soft Haptic Interface Technologies (SHIT) as defined by NASA-STD-0.1.42.69.69 is required, as we will be getting into a lot of SHIT on this project. All that other faggy stuff you human factors queers do is fine, too, Nancy can you have HR flesh this out for me, thx.

Project Managers

Successful candidate will have 10+ years experience in the aerospace industry, of which at least 5 years are in a project management role (scheduling, resource management, budgeting, tracking, negotiating, manipulating customer expectations, lying with a straight face, back-pedaling and excuse fabrication, etc.). Experience in managing and directing teams of 20+ engineers and scientists is required; equivalent day care provider or preschool teaching experience is acceptable. BS is required. A degree would be good, too.

Cyberbock Industries, Inc., headquartered in Dayton, OH, is an Unfortune 500 company bla bla bla, Nancy can you get the standard pack of lies from PR to put here, also send out for Chinese food, Thx - DB

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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