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Saturday, 5 November 2016

image for Who are the Brexiters? Britain's car industry goes from strength to strength after Brexit

They live amongst us. Some of them even look like us. So who are the strange but mad Brexit voters who have condemned the UK to years of ruin? TheSpoof's investigative reporter Geoff Stalin went to find out.

Percy Shit is a Brexit voter who lives in Middlesborough. Every morning he wakes up and makes himself a cup of tea like any other normal Brit. But unlikely other Brits, Mr Shit does so beneath a giant portrait taken from the opening credits of Dad's Army, with a huge arrow from England pointing to opposing arrows across the Channel.

"It's a very poignant image, that. I got it free with the Daily Mail." And with those few words, all semblance of humanity disappeared from Mr Shit. I decided to try to find another Brexit voter who I didn't want to strangle.

Retired librarian Marjorie Muck spends most of her time making jam and knitting hats for her mute husband Arthur. Her favourite jam is raspberry, and she always she buys the ingredients locally. Her main gripe with the EU is that they will force her to list all of the poisons she doesn't add to her jam on the bottle. "I only used a small amount of arsenic, and no hemlock at all after a previous incident. I can't believe those pesky Germans are making me admit all this."

Reginald Warts is a market trader in the East End of London. "Frenchmen? I don't mind 'em. They eat snails, don't they? I don't mind 'em coming 'ere, I just want us to get our sovereignty back. It's like wiv me 'n this market, right? I used to pay ten pound a week to have me own stall, but I had to follow all the market rules. No weapons, no being drunk at work, that sort of thing. So now I work out of a nearby car park, and I don't pay nothing. Brexit to me is like doin' that to the whole of Britain."

So there you are. Whether its voters are mad, misguided, or corrupt, it appears that Brexit is here to stay.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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