Written by Mike Peril
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Sunday, 16 October 2016

image for I am Hillary's Drug Dealer

To the Editor: I am embarrassed to admit it, and I do so anonymously. I am Hillary Clinton's drug dealer.

It is embarrassing not because I am a drug dealer, I am proud of my profession. I have an easy work day, flexible hours, I meet interesting people, there is a whole danger element to my job and my friends think I am cool.

But why can't I get cool accounts, like Jay Z or Drake or Johnny Depp even, no, I have to get Hillary Clinton as my main account.

Not that I am complaining, I mean, first it was speed and then coke and then, well I shouldn't say, but little blue pills, and then she got into the hard stuff. Can't sleep, can't wake up, Hillary is totally dependent on me. I was even at Chelsea's apartment when Hillary got that "pneumonia".

Of course I don't deal to Hillary directly, I have to deal to Bill, and Chelsea and Huma and the weird Weiner dude, oh, and Secret Service, those guys are tough!

I was so proud to give her just the right amount of an upper for her last debate. It really is magical when you get the chemistry right. I got a D in high school chemistry but now I finally get it. It's all about knowing what a mole is.

But now I am worried because Donald Trump outed us. I was going to vote for him but not anymore.

I used to have the Trump account but Ivanka cut me off when I complained that her father groped my girlfriend. He did, she is beautiful and all but he just grabbed her and kissed her, and spoke in this sing song voice and said "Hellooo" every time he saw her. Creeped me out.

So here I am about to lose this really embarrassing account but the one account I had to make a living. Like Trump, I don't pay taxes, but that just makes me smart. I just don't get his double standard.

Well, good luck to Hillary's next dealer. Hillary really doesn't need drugs anyway. She may have her secrets, but she gets her high from her great brainpower and a crazy drive to succeed and to prevail against huge obstacles, including bullies like Donald Trump and glass ceilings, whatever those are.

For selfish reasons, though, I am voting for Gary Johnson and then maybe I can get his account. I'll even pay taxes on the pot sales.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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