Written by Philip J. Moss
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Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans:

My first year in office has been truly an extraordinary one. Finally, we have freed our nation from the shackles of NATO. With the closing of our bases in Germany and the conversion of our facilities there into luxury hotels and condominiums, we have turned a loss into a profit. The annexation of Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia by Vlad Putin has greatly simplified things and smoothed the way for better trade relations between the U.S. and Russia. I have already dispatched my son to negotiate the licensing of hotels in those three new Russian provinces.

And speaking about trade, I know that some misinformed people have been critical of this administration's negotiations with the Europeans. I have instructed Ambassador Christie to lodge formal protests with the World Trade Organization, the United Nations and the NCAA over the unfair imposition of tariffs on American imports by the Eurozone countries. It is mostly the fault of that fat cow, Merkel - just look at the shapeless stuff she wears. And some people are saying - I've heard that a lot of people are saying - that the reason that our delegation missed the first day of trade negotiations was that the air traffic controllers in Berlin deliberately misdirected Air Force One to Stuttgart.

The Chinese are also being unfair to us, and so are the English, the Canadians, the Australians and the Mauritanians. My administration is seriously considering the imposition of something bad on all of them.


Finally, I want to answer those who have criticized me for not releasing my tax returns, even though the IRS completed its audit eleven months ago. I can assure the American people that there is nothing in my tax returns that would be of interest to anyone. Trust me on that.

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