Written by Aakash

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Friday, 2 September 2016

image for How to completely eradicate the stray dogs in your area - A guide for South Asians

Are you tired of hearing the barking and howling of dogs in your neighborhood in spite of all the luxuries that they enjoy in the cold and open, while you lie on an uncomfortably soft and warm bed in the night, constricted by the walls that surround you in your home?
How dare they flock to your garbage in the night, trying to look for waste food without gaining your permission first?
Have they not mastered the art of begging for their food yet? Have they not studied how homeless people survive?

To master the art of dog-slaying, here is what you need-
1. A bunch of stones
2. Some long sticks (Thick enough to hurt, but light enough to strike with ease)
3. Some oil or kerosene
4. Matches or a lighter
5. A dog or a puppy (of the stray kind)
6. OPTIONAL: A bunch of friends or neighbors, if you are a coward (which of course you are)

To start, watch the dog from a distance and let the animal in you wake up. Grab a stone and throw it forcefully at the dog, targeting the head. Manage your distance if it tries to attack or run away. Grab more stones and repeat as necessary. Once it begins to slow down and weaken, get a little closer and use the stick. You may target any body part as long as you are using considerable amount of force. Once you have immobilized or cornered the dog, douse it in the oil/kerosene (Money saving tip: Kerosene is cheaper as compared to oil). Now light that monster up and wait for it to stop moving completely.

Do not feel obligated to even dispose the body properly, or show any respect or remorse. The local municipal workers are paid to clean up the mess. After all, you pay your taxes as well as got rid of this nuisance, right? Job well done!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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