Written by Auntie Matter
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Tags: Terrorism

Monday, 8 August 2016

image for Terrorist Film All the Rage Smoking... Bad for Your Health.

The documentary was released last week. Michael Moore calls it a "masterpiece".

Sean Penn stars as ex-military specialist Commander Harry Bumsfelt who has won so many combat medals in Iraq that he will only appear with them in public if aided by a hoist. For years he campaigned and lectured for peace and armaments control in a threatened world but, now retired and running a small cigarette factory in Montana, he has no urge to return to his first love... slaughtering little brown people in exciting places... for medals.

However, his worst patriotic nightmare unfurls. He learns on the early morning news that a bomb has destroyed the Statue of Liberty. "Many dead children and a Navy Seal", said the newscaster, had been found in the rubble. A passport that had apparently been dropped by a well-known terrorist was the only other thing found intact. Soon after that, Harry receives a phone call:

"Harry," this is Nico from the factory. We are thinking of running a new brand of ciggies... wait for it... "The Statues of Liberty". What d'ya think?"

Harry hangs up and downs a bottle of Jack. In a moving scene, as next morning the sun rises over the Montana hills, he staggers to the mantelpiece and picks up his little ornament of the now extinct statue, the one he bought his ex-wife Sharia just before she joined Isis after she found out about his affair with her mother. He decides to act. He phones up Sean Penn.

"Sean. I'm playing Harry Bumsfelt at the moment but I think I can be of help to our country. I may know who bombed the Statue of Liberty. I need help. Who do I need to talk to?"

"Well, you could try the IRA in Belfast in a joint called Northern Ireland. If they don't know how to make a buck out of it, nobody does."

"Its not the money, Sean. I am seeking justice."

"Well, Harry... if you scan me over a photo of it, I might be able to help."

Exasperated and flabbergasted, yet more flabber than gasted, Harry decides to go it alone. His determination is boosted that very night when he learns that a man of eastern origin has run amok in a home for abandoned dogs in Helsinki and butchered four poodles with a sabre. The news goes viral. He has a fair idea who is responsible. Ex-British PM Tony Blair.

Only a few in British Intelligence know the truth that Blair is a falsely accused political war criminal by day guilty of the deaths of countless thousands... but, ... by night, he is something more evil... a vicious poodle slayer. If anybody knows where Sharia is, Blair does. They once had an affair when bumping into each other in the long grass at Bohemian Grove. And Tony is not the type to forget. Sharia only told him about it the night she left. Tony could get Satan himself to keep a secret.

Harry flies to Buckinghamshire to Blair's mansion. He finds him in the lounge entertaining his close friends Peter Mandelson, Gordon Brown, J.K Rowling and a drunken Daniel Radcliffe. He is surprised to see a couple of high ranking Russian Mafiosi playing cards with a man in a grey uniform looking remarkably like Adolf Hitler.

Radcliffe, spotting his reaction, giggles. Rowling talks to a mirror in a corner asking it advice about a face-lift. They all wear black and white. Blair recognizes his old commander from Iraq and dropping his Mick Jagger impersonation rushes over.

"Who let you in?"

"The Butler... er... I think it was the butler... looked like Ted Heath. But he's dead... isn't he?"

"Nein!" shouted a voice.

"The less you know about what goes on in this place the better, Harry. Biological warfare is not in the public's interest. Make it quick old pal; world domination takes up all of my time these days."

"I need to contact Sharia."

"So do I. Cherie hasn't dropped them in over a year."

"I need to know where she is."

"Last I heard she was in Paris seeking medical attention for ingrowing toe-nails."

"Where exactly? Can you be more specific, Sir?"

"Well,... I....I....I....I... specific? Er... I... I ... I think.... er.... about what? I mean.... I .... I ... I ....Syria? If I understand you corectly I....I...I...I I'm not sure I understand the question. Did you say Syria? I... I... I... What Syria? Adolf! Where the hell is Adolf when you need him!?"

A man appeared to stare in Blair's eyes and holding him by the ears talked to him sternly. The only words Harry could hear were "Keep calm. Remember you are God. Do what thou wilt Tony! Do what thou fucking wilt!"

That seemed to bring Blair round. When Harry got Sharia's address, he bade goodnight to the doorman Benito and drove off. As the rain swept across his windscreen he wondered to himself... "How weird can it get?"

Once in Paris he wastes no time in having room service bring him a plate of frogs legs and snails as he had always wondered what they tasted like.

After vomiting for over an hour he phones Sharia to come to his room. She is not what he expected. She has a beard and walks with a limp. He is surprised.

"Jeez! What... !?"

"A long story Harry," says Sharia. " Let's just say Isis is not a club you should join... my feet are killing me and I never want to see another camel for as long as I live. There's humps and humping. They're not quite the same thing Harry. However, I do know who bombed the statue."

"Who?"

"George W. Bush."

"But Bush doesn't do anything by himself. Everybody knows that."

"George Junior is in reality a tranny who works for Les Girls, a cabaret act from Las Vegas. His real mother was a fifteen-year-old novitiate nun from Sagrev. He does a great "Falling in Love Again" routine as Marlene Dietrich. His stage name is Pearl Gabor."

"Jesus!"

"He does a great Jesus as well; not as good as Barack, ... but more convincing than Pope Francis."

"Did he plant the bomb in person?"

"Yes. Just the night before he had an argument with his dad. Allegedly, the old man said; "You're a wimp Georgie Porgie, I told you to bomb the shit out of Burma when you had the chance. And what did you say? "I'm too busy, I'm having Salsa lessons with Barack and Michelle". You couldn't bomb the Statue of Liberty for christsakes if I gave you ten men to help you and CNN to lie its head off for you!"; his old man yelled at him. George Senior has a fierce temper. Only survivors in Iraq know that. George was emotionally distraught by the encounter. Seems he could never please the old bastard not even by becoming president. If George Junior had walked on water his dad would have found somebody who could cartwheel on it. So, he necked a few drinks and went for it."

"Anyway," said Harry. "It's good to see you Sharia. So, you left Isis?"

"Yes, Harry. They wanted me to be a suicide bomber but I turned it down. I couldn't see any future in it."

"You suit the beard but your massive breasts are a dead giveaway."

"I know Harry but they come in handy at times... for when I'm smuggling dope for Bill and Hillary I just have to shave off the beard. You have to move with the times, don't you? What will you do?"

"Get George to get funding for a new statue from Congress; make a couple of mill from it, expand the factory... give up smoking. Make another movie."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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