Written by Bill Levine
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Thursday, 26 May 2016

A big trend in the celebra-sphere is the slew of personality driven periodicals that allow fans to emulate their idols life styles and sample shilled products. We all have seen at the newsstand or on-line, the magazines pitching the likes of Oprah and Rachel Ray. But there are also lesser known celeb persona rags out there such as: Castro Family Magazine (Fidel Picks His All Defector Baseball Team and Raoul: Living The Vida Loca Loca Loca ), Martha Stuart Dying(The Wonder of Bi-Cultural Grieving: Introducing Shiva to a Shivah), Putin Magazine(Annexing Territory in Your Spare Time) . But now fans can have the embodiment of a celebrity right in their homes by choosing a designer dog breed genetically engineered to resemble a cultural icon. Before this phenomenon, the only dog breed named after a person was the Jack Russell Terrier . Jack Russell was just a guy who developed a breed But the new generation of Jack of All_Terrier breeds have names ripped from the pages of People Magazine or Mother Goose.

Jack Nicholson Terrier-The Jack Nicholson is not an easily domesticated and indeed is born to be wild. While some teeth baring terriers seem to be smiling, the Jack N. often appears to have a diabolical grin. Though not the biggest of terriers, the male "Nick" will nip at rival dogs genitals when sensing a female in heat. Indeed the Jack N. is one breed that should be neutered as soon as possible Unlike a lot of terriers, the Jack N is pretty sedentary, and even when employed for the common terrier ratter function, will give an odd look to its owner that seems to say "I am not going into that hole buddy." Despite these negatives, this breed can be disarmingly loving. It can mollify an act of house soiling by immediately jumping in your lap and licking you jubilantly like you are one of only a few good men.

Jack0 Terrier-The Jacko is noted for being the only terrier that can co-exist with a pet monkey so if you already have an orangutan or two at home the Jacko might be the dog for you. This agile and athletic dog can easily to taught to get up on its hind legs and dance. The only problem is getting the Jacko to stop dancing. The Jacko has a great metabolism and is this always on the thin side. . This may be due to the Jacko's origins which is a cross between greyhound and bull-emic terrier. In appearance The Jacko nose is small and has become more so in the last few generations to the point where a pug has a real schnoz compared to a Jacko.

Jack LaLanne Terrier-The Jack LaLanne is the strongest of the terriers, as he was bred as a body guard for poodles. The Jack L. has performed amazing feats of endurance and muscular prowess such as pulling Caesar Milan with his teeth. This dynamo exhibits boundless energy and even at an old age will , in addition to acknowledging "sit" and "stay" commands, also react appropriately to "squat," "jump" and "drop and give me twenty buddy." With a muscular, stocky , body, the LaLanne requires a really high degree of exercise, thus it does best in homes that have indoor gyms, basketball courts and Richard Simmons videos. This breed has won more Ultimate Sporting Class trophies at Westminster than any other breed, except The Japanese Samurai dog.

Jack Bauer Terrier-The Jack Bauer is the most fearless guard dog of all the terriers. It will instantly bite any intruder, then find and bite the intruders children, and then rip apart all living relatives of the intruder. The Jack B. can sniff out any threat to your hearth and home within a commercial break and can chew up the threat within 24 hours whether it be a live bomb or an annoying Girl Scout cookie salesperson. Though as mentioned the Jack B. is now mostly a guard dog it was originally developed on Belgian farms as a working dog whose forte was biting the heads off chickens. Despite the many positive qualities of the Jack Bauer its lack of conventional one owner loyalty, rate it 138th out of 139 recognized and clandestine AKC breeds. A few unlucky owners have mistaken the Jack Bauer for the more docile, Eddie Bauer Terrier, AKA the national camping dog. This has been a mistake measured in large hospital bill. In appearance the Jack Bauer can resemble any of 43 breeds, when you can actually find him.

Jack Sprat Terrier-The Jack Sprat is a great pet for an owner who worries about canine obesity. The skeletal Sprat resembles an anorexic Italian Greyhound. He will never eat you out of house or home just maybe the foyer. The dog has actually been bred to eat no fat and some have been known to even regurgitate a limited number of fried dough slices. There is of course the legend that an early Jack Sprat was thrown out of the lab personally by Pavlov because the dog constantly to refuse to salivate over lamb chops. In appearance the Jack Sprat is expected to show a wide expanse of viewable rig cage, stand 22 inches tall with a weight of 5 to 8 pounds dry, and 6 to 9 soaking wet.

Jack London Terrier-The noblest of the terriers, the Jack London will protect his owner unconditionally whether the owner is panning for gold, or more dangerously, critically panning the movie Ulee's Gold. The London can have an intimidating lupine appearance, especially when baying at the moon. The Jack London usually stands 23 inches at the shoulders, but on occasion grow to mythic proportions. He is generally thought to have originated as a cross between an author's vivid imagination and a Giant Schnauzer. He doesn't need regular exercise, but could use an occasional mushing or fording of a raging stream. These Jacks are athletic and strong and do well in agility, especially when the handler dresses up as an evil itinerant prospector. The J.L can be playful with other dogs, but if challenged will fight to the death. Also known as the Florida state dog, because it always stands its ground.

Jack Sparrow Terrier-The Jack Sparrow is only water spaniel who can't swim. Hunting for crumbs in a the galley of catamarans in his prime aquatic venue.. He can playful and sly and his been known to hold cooked steaks for ransom , releasing the filet, only for a booty of slim jims. The Sparrow has a solid hunting nose on land, especially in sniffing out buried treasure. Many owners have drunkenly lost six packs in the sand dunes, only to have the Jack Sparrow find the missing trove of golden suds the next morning. This long haired terrier has unusual vocalizations as his "ARF" sounds closer to an "Argh".

Next week this column will discuss the related trend in designer celebrity cats, featuring breeds such as the Eartha Kitten and the Cat Stevens.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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