Written by B. Twain Folderol
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Tuesday, 19 April 2016

UPI: Hospital officials have confirmed that Dr. Ben Carson operated on Donald J. Trump last Thursday in the neurosurgical unit of the world's most elite hospital in Dubai, explaining the Republican frontrunner's uncharacteristic absence from the campaign trail over the past two weeks. Officials declined to offer details, but a leaked interview given by Dr. Carson to the Drudge Report-and intended to be published only after the November election-described the procedure which, according to Dr. Carson, was initiated by Mr. Trump to "enhance cerebral function."

Matt Drudge himself conducted the interview and reluctantly confirmed the authenticity and accuracy of the leaked transcript today on Fox & Friends. "The only thing they got wrong," Drudge reported, "and it was just a typo from the transcription service-but it's important. The name of my cat is Fanny-ya know, for fanatic-not Franny."

What follows is the unedited transcript in its entirety:

Matt Drudge: "Thank you, Dr. Carson, for sitting down with us today. It's certainly a privilege to-Dr. Carson? Dr. Carson….sir?"

Dr. Ben Carson: "…huh? …hotcakes and sausage! Oh…"

DRUDGE: "Dr. Carson, over here. Thank you for coming to…"

CARSON: "My pleasure."

DRUDGE: "Tell us how you came to perform surgery on Mr. Trump. Did he have medical concerns?"

CARSON: "Oh, not at all. No. In fact, he's in the most amazing health of any man I've ever encountered. Truly amazing, believe me. Incredible. Frankly, there's no other man…"

DRUDGE: "As to the surgery, Dr. Carson…"

CARSON: "Yes, well. Backstage at one of the debates Donald nudged me and said, 'Hans'-one of his nicknames for me is Hans Brainiac-he said, 'Hans, honestly, do you know anyone with more smarts than The Donald? I mean, you've gone to good schools and all, have you ever met anyone with more intelligence? Frankly, it's hard to imagine you have."

DRUDGE: "And you replied…"

CARSON: "I said, 'I'm not capable of telling falsehoods, Donald, so in all honesty'-and then he cut in, saying, 'I mean the whole package, Ben: street smarts, book smarts, flip-chart smarts, walmart smarts, you know, a real Einstein-messiah. I'm not braggin', just asking…' I patted him on the back and muttered, "You know it!"

DRUDGE: "And so you do consider Mr. Trump be of superior…"

CARSON: "He kept staring at my hands. He kinda motioned that he wanted me to extend them. So he could study them, I guess. I brought'm out in front of me, level, and he inspected them, intently, while quietly slipping his own deep into his pockets."

DRUDGE: "No doubt an unconscious…."

CARSON: "Oh, sure, but he marveled at my fingers, saying 'So, those hands have tooled around inside real brains, eh? How'd you get fingers so long?' I blushed and said, 'Actually, they were Arsenio Hall's before the transplant!' He laughed awkwardly and I whispered: 'It's OK, Donald. It's OK….' He was beginning to trust me, and so slowly brought his own hands out of the shadows and put his fingers alongside mine. Maybe it was the lighting, but they seemed to be trembling slightly. Like a family of Lilliputians out in the cold."

DRUDGE: "Seems as if he really did have a growing trust in you…"

CARSON: "Yes, indeed. That was the beginning. Ya know, in the middle of a campaign people do and say all sorts of things that don't mean anything-you insult a few wives, knock down someone's crippled mother, tell a few white hot lies, stab a candidate or two-it's just a game. Nothing personal."

DRUDGE: "It has been a heated campaign."

CARSON: "As long as nobody gets killed, that's the main thing."

DRUDGE: "On camera, you mean?"

CARSON: "Naturally."

DRUDGE: "You were saying…."

CARSON: "Well, Donald laughed clumsily and nodded down at our hands, saying, 'Ebony and ivory, eh?' I didn't get the reference. And so, puzzled, I went on: 'Donald, the long and the short of it is this: no matter what jabs we take tonight on the debate stage, at the end of the day we'll still be best buds. That's because you and I….."

DRUDGE: "Yet he once likened you to a child molester."

CARSON: "Yes, exactly my point. We're like brothers of a different mother. Bling and Blang."

DRUDGE: "You mean yin and yang."

CARSON: "Something like that. Inseparable is what we are…on what you might call an angelic level."

DRUDGE: "Back to the surgery…."

CARSON: "Yes, well, all the other candidates were announced and walked past, and Donald and I were just hangin' there…in the wings. We had a lot of time. He inched closer to me and said, 'Hans, theoretically speaking, could you take like the smartest person alive-and it would be a man of course-and turn him into like the smartest person who ever lived? By, you know, messing around up there in the frontal globe and chimeric vortex and all that.' I said, 'You mean surgically enhance a man's intellectual prowess?' He shrieked 'Bingo! Not that I need any enhancement, just speaking hypothetically."

DRUDGE: "Is that possible?"

CARSON: "Only in the last three or four years."

DRUDGE: "And you told this to Mr. Trump?"

CARSON: "He was fascinated. And wanted to know more. I told him that I myself had pioneered techniques to accomplish just that. And he said, 'If a man could achieve this kind of mental superiority with an operation, would his offspring inherit that same level of supremacy? To create like a super race? Wouldn't those these traits be passed down cosmetically?'"

DRUDGE: "He meant genetically, of course."

CARSON: "I think so."

DRUDGE: "Go on."

CARSON: "He said, 'Tell me, Mr. Good-Fingers'-another of his nicknames for me-'how much of an operation is it?' I told him that it was actually a relatively quick and easy procedure. Very low risk. Two simple snips in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and then an erection of a protein bridge. Patients are up the next day and released a day after that."

DRUDGE: "And the outcomes have been…?"

CARSON: "Generally, a doubling of IQ. With potential for tripling it with the right candidate. Trump was in raptures. He said, 'When I'm elected President, Benvelyn, I'm going to name you-of course I can't legally say so right now-but, well, it rhymes with virgin central of the United States."

DRUDGE: "You took his meaning."

CARSON: "We booked an appointment."

DRUDGE: "In Dubai…"

CARSON: "Yes, it's the best equipped medical center on the planet: gilded bathrooms, tea tables, fine art everywhere, gourmet chefs and concierge services. Heated towel racks."

DRUDGE: "But the medical facilities?"

CARSON: "They're good, too."

DRUDGE: "Does it concern Mr. Trump-I mean, the medical teams, won't they mostly be Muslim? Him vulnerable on the table…"

CARSON: "God forbid! No, we're bringing in all our own people. No one touches Trump except his own kind."

DRUDGE: "The costs of course are, he-he, obviously not one of his concerns…!"

CARSON: "Actually, everything's being charged to Vicente Fox and Felipe Calderón."

DRUDGE: "What! The Mexican presidents! How's that?"

CARSON: "Trump's ways are not man's ways. In one word: Roy Marcus Cohn."

DRUDGE: "He died some years ago, didn't he?"

CARSON: "Ostensibly."

DRUDGE: "Pardon me, my cat. I've got to…. Franny, what IS IT? Franny, get OUT of there right this instant….!"

CARSON: "Oh, I've seen her before…on TMZ. Franny, is it? She's tight with Choupette Lagerfeld."

DRUDGE: "Indeed."

CARSON: "What kind of…"

DRUDGE: "She's a Shirazi."

CARSON: "Hmmm, bred from…?"

DRUDGE: "An Egyptian Mau and a Persian…"

CARSON: "…so there's some Islamic influence… Hmmm…."

DRUDGE: "The surgery, Dr. Carson…"

CARSON: "Well, all right. But would you mind first putting the cat out… The influence…never can be too careful."

DRUDGE: "Really?"

CARSON: "Seriously."

DRUDGE: "Give me a minute…"

CARSON: "Ok, thank you. Now, as to the surgery. After the extended bilateral craniotomy-where we removed bone to expose the brain-we made a series of startling discoveries, one after the other, each more shocking than the last. For example, when we reached Broca's Area, we found that it was about one-tenth expected size, quite misshapen, shriveled up like a desiccated jalapeño. Our neurolinguist probed the ventral cortices for verbal content and discovered that it contained no lexical stock at all, other than the root string: "bing bing-bong bong bing-bing bing." In other words, Mr. Trump's entire verbal output is composed of combinations of those units and none else. How he puts together sentences outside the range of a bing or a bong is, frankly, one of the wonders of the world. None of us could figure it out. But even more astonishing than that: on the interior cortical wall we found-and it is beyond comprehension-several words actually scrawled on the face of the tissue…in chalk! Like cave etchings."

DRUDGE: "There were actual words written on the grey matter of his brain? In English, written out!?"

CARSON: "Hard to believe, but yes. There were five in total: 'incredible, amazing, frankly, huge, and Ivanka.'"

DRUDGE: "Astonishing."

CARSON: "Even under heavy anesthesia he would frequently call out the words, saying: 'Frankly amazing, frankly amazing' over and over, and then pivot to 'I am….amazing, frankly amazing I am.'"

DRUDGE: "Remarkable."

CARSON: "It goes on. As we progressed deeper into the brain we began to see tiny nodules of what appeared to be accretions of shiny plaque. But when we removed several samples we realized that they were, in fact, tiny abscesses of gold nugget. And as we proceeded, one crystallized right before our eyes. Just appeared out of thin matter. And then another; we couldn't remove them fast enough…"

DRUDGE: "Incredible!"

CARSON: "After the samples were tested, however, we discovered that they were actually pyrite, fool's gold."

DRUDGE: "So all that Twitters isn't gold."

CARSON: "It would seem. But pyrite wasn't the only foreign material we found within his cranium. Further exploration and testing revealed that Mr. Trump's brain is-and I say this genuinely, without any of my routine exaggeration-the most spectacular specimen I have ever observed. Bar none."

DRUDGE: "That much capacity? Rare and exquisite structures of intelligence…"

CARSON: "Oh, no, not at all. In fact, without exception, all of the cerebral areas that form the seat of intelligence were almost wholly missing or underdeveloped. There was virtually nothing to work with. We had to call off the procedure. What astonished us even more, though, was that his basal ganglia-the reptilian brain if you will-was grossly enlarged. It was huge! Inhumanly gigantic. Now, this presentation of anatomical conditions defied all known genetic and evolutionary fundamentals. Nothing like it has ever been observed. He was utterly devoid of cortical structures and overly endowed with primitive features…from the dorsal striatum to the subthalamic nucleus. His reptilian brain dominated most of the entire cranium. It would appear he's more gecko than human."

DRUDGE: "Totally beguiling…."

CARSON: "Oh, and that's not the half of it. We made a startling discovery. Just as we had cracked the process by which his grey matter synthesizes itself into little knobs of pyrite we noticed that other areas of his brain were also engaged in the same sort of alchemy, turning cerebral tissue into a substance that we could not at first identify. It became abundantly clear that Mr. Trump had developed a breathtaking ability to catalyze new substances from ordinary grey matter. At will. Intentionally. It was clear to us that it was only a matter of time before his brain succeeded at producing real gold; we could see it already at work. Then we discerned the reason for the paucity of cerebral structures: his brain was reorganizing itself and willingly sacrificing intelligence for the ability to produce valued substance.

DRUDGE: "Amazing!"

CARSON: "The most intriguing part is yet to come. One of the surgical technicians discovered the tell-tale signs in the skull flap of a previous retro-sigmoid craniotomy. That is, evidence of key-hole surgery. Micro-surgery-no wonder we hadn't noticed it before. And so here it was: we weren't the first to penetrate Mr. Trump's skull….! Yes. And it was not long before we deduced who had done it. And why…"

DRUDGE: "Something nefarious?"

CARSON: "We don't think so. What Trump was doing-or rather what his brain was doing-was transforming neurons into this unique synthetic resin. Which is only found in one other place on the planet…."

DRUDGE: "What could possibly be the purpose…."

CARSON: "Oh, there's purpose. And profit! Let me explain: do you know how much rice is harvested annually? More than 250 million metric tons worldwide. And China has three corners of the market. That's a three-hundred and fifty billion dollar industry. Imagine if you could increase those profits ten fold!"

DRUDGE: "I'm not following. What's rice got to…."

CARSON: "Mix one part authentic rice with nine parts of something that looks like rice….grains that can be manufactured at next to no cost….and you've just multiplied your profits to mind-boggling heights. Could that be done, you ask? We would later find out."

DRUDGE: "I still don't…"

CARSON: "Stay with me. Our perceptive surgical tech uncovered something else that put all the pieces together. Inside the face of the dura wall he found a microscopic mark-and it's almost impossible to believe-but he found a barely concealed trademark symbol…! Yes, an unmistakable symbol of international trademark, sanctioned by the Madrid Protocol, along with the Trump brand logo."

DRUDGE: "So odd. But if Trump is devoid of anything resembling intelligence, what's there to protect?"

CARSON: "We cross-checked the trademark. And were stunned by what we found. For the past four years a certain nation has indeed been cutting their rice exports with this fake blend made of a certain synthetic material sprayed with rice fragrance. And their profits have shattered records. And this synthetic material? The very same substance being created within Trump's brain. He's become a veritable factory... No other organic or industrial process has ever been able to replicate this substance so oddly particular to Trump's brain."

DRUDGE: "But his brain couldn't produce all the material that would be needed!"

CARSON: "It doesn't need to. The substance is a catalyst only-once it is harvested from Trump, it is pressed into potato powder and exponentially catalyzed. The process requires this one and only resin."

DRUDGE: "American rice markets have been decimated by the glut of…"

CARSON: "Chinese rice…."

DRUDGE: "So that's it… China!"

CARSON: "China. Yes…."

DRUDGE: "So Chinese agents somehow discovered and exploited this inexplicable aberration…."

CARSON: "Oh, no, no. This was not the Chinese taking advantage of Trump, but Trump taking the Chinese for a ride. Think of the royalties! Let's just say that nine-tenths of Trump's billions have been made through this secret but knowing partnership with China."

DRUDGE: "To the detriment of American rice farmers….who've gone bankrupt…."

CARSON: "It's called 'plastic rice,' and thanks to our detective work, you can now Google it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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