I am Tony Blair and I have been privileged to be your elected Prime Minister for the past three terms of Government.
At this time, I feel great pride... as well as sadness in having to retire from operating the best gravy train that you, the wonderful British Public, could afford to give me.
Many of you, and quite justifiably from your point of view, have levelled criticism at me for what you perceive as my responsibility, in sending as many young British men and women as possible, to Army Training manouvres in Iraq and Afghanistan.
I can tell all of you now, that since political correctness is an essential ingredient of modern life, I felt we could no longer hold military training exercises in Wales as we once used to.
This is in due deference to our Welsh Cousins, whose National Autonomy really has to be respected.
With this in mind, it must now become obvious why I decided to lie, perjure, harrass and harangue my own Westminster Parliament into allowing me to invade Iraq illegally.
Some of you, ... and you are perfectly entitled to your own views however mistaken you definitely are ... felt that my Cool Dude Buddy George Dubyah was successful in persuading me to join his great Pentagon pals in their projected illegal invasion of those two dangerous countries.
You can imagine the shock and awe that I felt as we found our great American Allies were there at the same time as our routine military exercises were about to commence!
Of course it made good economic sense to join in with our transatlantic brothers.
Some of our American allies actually killed our troops in what George Dubyah describes as "friendly fire"... and he proudly stands by his men in not allowing any of his warriors to answer questions from our local Oxford Coroner! That really is a President with Pride.
What a great example of loyalty to his men. It's only when his own men are killed and injured in action that the President looks the other way.
You will all be as pleased as I am to know that these exercises are so successful that I have decided that our troops should remain on permanent exercise duties in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
The UN or NATO will continue to subsidise our occupation of Afghanistan.
Dear George Dubyah's oily friends at Shell,BP and Halliburton(Dubai) etc will sponsor our extended exercises in Iraq for as long as Western oil interests are served now that we might be able to grab that Iraqi oil from those unappreciative Iraqi's who just do not understand the finer nuances of peaceful corruption as I/we do.
I have been told that B.I. (Before Iraq)I achieved some creditable things for my Country. I know that you are not so cynical as to think I intended to seduce you, the Electorate, into supporting me through enough terms in Government before you twigged that I was only using Parliament as a means to an end in order to serve the more important interests of those who hide behide funny names like Bilderberg, New World Order etc.
I believe in this New World Order stuff. I must be right because George Dubyah does too!
And if he, his friends and political allies can be among the richest and most powerful people in the world, then I know that you, the British People will never deny me my share of this action too.
Maybe Rupert will look after me, after all I do give his media the best breaking news stories since I successfully gagged the BBC.
I will be taking a discreet break towards the end of May when I hope to acquire a lovely Turkish suntan from the beautiful resort of Bilderberg Marriott.
Even Cheri won't be able to come with me on this one.
If I meet any of my rich and powerful friends while I am there, please wish me luck in scrounging suitable employment from them, for when I am no longer a Member of Parliament.
I am tempted to suggest you keep an eye of Gordon at that same time in May. He may disappear too for just a couple of days.
He's been to Bilderberg previously and just like me, he refuses to admit it. How silly and petty is that!
As if secretly re-organising the world in favour of privilege and wealth through corruption and spin is the business of ordinary oiks like you and your neighbours!
Better leave the real business of organising the next war to people of experience like me and George Dubyah!
My personal autograph, from a genuine original, will become available for the bargain price of £1,000 each (inc P&P) from HMSO once their presses are working again.