Written by mikewadestr
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Tags: Alcohol

Friday, 15 April 2016

image for Spinny McGintz's Guide to Completing AA 12-Step Program in 1 Day Who needs a fucking dry zone

Yo everybody! It's me, your good friend Spinny McGintz.

I'm here to help everyone succeed in completing AA's 12 Step program in only 1 day. AA, for those who don't know, is something about alcohol, so if you don't drink a lot of alcohol or haven't been arrested for a DWI and been ordered by some asshole judge to attend AA, you've probably never heard of it.

Yeah, yeah, I got caught while driving drunk. I blew a .32 at the police station, which while sounding pretty fucking lame, still got me a DWI. Hell .32 isn't even close to the record. The asshole judge accused me of being incorrigible and said I was a danger to society which he credited to my abuse of alcohol. Before sentencing he asked if I had anything to say.

Well, hell yeah I did! What the fuck is this incorrigible thing? What fucking crap. I don't even know what it means and it probably is just some stupid legal jargon bullshit crap word. So I figured that I can be a big word using asshole and responded:

"Your honor, I am not incorrigible, I am dirigible".

The dickhead judge was obviously so overwhelmed with my superior intelligence, that instead of admitting he was a prick and letting me go he ordered me to attend AA until I had completed their 12 Step program.

But anyway, if you follow my advice on the 12 steps you should get them all done in one day like I did and most likely right before happy hour.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable

This is easy all you do is gotta say: "I'm powerless over alcohol". It doesn't have to be true. I mean I never was powerless over alcohol. Hell the reason I got my DWI is because I was powerless to say no to my bartender Bubby Bingo, who kept asking me if I wanted another drink. I didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings you know.

Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

This is a lot like step one you just admit you have a higher Power and if anyone asks what it is just say money. Because if I would have had a mess of money I would've hired some big assed hot shot lawyer from one of those money grubbing law offices to get me off.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn over our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

Yeah this one is pretty easy too because God's that dude who watches everything you do. He sees you when you sleeping, sitting on the crapper, screwing and ripping off vending machines. He's like Santa Claus without the red suit, reindeer, sleigh and presents. I just figure I'd give him my captain's badge and be done it.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Okay so what you want to do is just figure out what your favorite morsels are then write them down. Like, for me its pizza and Chinese carryout, although I also, like to change things up and eat at Burger King or Wendy's. Fuck that McDonalds crap, every time I eat there I'm never loving it.

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Yeah, now this one is kinda tricky. I mean, I never met God nor do I know how to get in touch with him. I mean, hell it's not like the guy has given anyone his cell phone number or anything, except for maybe that Farwell guy, but he's dead anyway so look where that got him. But since God already knows everything anyway, you really don't have to tell God anything. As for another human being, I just went ahead and called up my bartender, Bubby, and told him I was in AA because of some asshole judge. That should pretty much should do it for this step.

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character

I don't know about you but I don't have any defects, so I just skipped this step.

Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove all of our shortcomings.

Same as 6, so if you are like me, then skip this too. If you have to do numbers 6 and 7, then you're going to definitely miss happy hour.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

This one's pretty tough. You got to think about all the bad things you did to everybody and write them down. So if you, like, hung Donny McCalister from a locker by his underwear while in high school, you'd write this down. So just write all of them down that you can remember and then put an IOU next to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

You gave them all IOU's in step 8 so you're done with this one too.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This one is weird, because my personal inventory only consists of a motorbike, which I stole from Larry Langheart, because he owed me 20 bucks and never paid me back, my clothes, some furniture and 100 bucks cash. So I'm not too sure what's wrong about it so I just went ahead and checked this one off anyway.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Whatever. Just say you did it

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.

Easy, just tell everyone where the best happy hours in town are.

So that's it, all in a nutshell from your good friend Spinny McGintz. Hopefully you will never have to go through with this, unless of course you get a DWI and some asshole judge sends you to AA. But if you do, you now have the yellow print… or green print… or whatever the fuck the color is, print for getting through the program in one day. Once you're done you can join me at the bar during happy hour.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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