Written by Paul Blake
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Sunday, 3 April 2016

image for Never Compare The Easter Bunny To Santa - He Really Hates That! Easter Bunny spotted on Spring Break. Two kids go missing.

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - Seven-year-old Johnny Dorrey and his little sister, Brook, were on spring break vacation with their parents, at a fancy resort in Cabo this week, when they thought they saw a familiar face, sitting under a beach umbrella, enjoying the sun and surf while relaxing with a big Pina Colada.

The two children couldn't believe their eyes, and they plucked up the courage to go and say hello.

**WARNING - DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER WITH LITTLE KIDS NEARBY **

"Are you really the Easter Bunny?" asked Johnny, with his sister standing right behind him.

"Ugh... yep..." slurred the six-foot-tall white bunny, who'd obviously been enjoying cocktails all day long. The Easter Bunny had just finished a very busy week and just wanted to relax and be left alone. "And no... I don't have any candy left on me, okay!"

"Do you know Santa?" asked Johnny's shy little sister, Brook. "He's my favorite."

This is when the Easter Bunny lost his cool. "Oh is that right? said the Easter Bunny. "Santa's your favorite? That fat, lazy fuck with his god damn magical sleigh and band of midget slaves that do all his work for him? The guy who doesn't have to hop around the entire planet on his own own two feet every year - but instead gets a free ride from a bunch of mutant-zombie reindeer that fly him wherever he needs to go? That guy's your favorite? Lemme guess, you put out milk and cookies for him too, right?"

"Uh huh," answered the stuttering kids.

"Well, did you leave anything out for me?" asked the giant white bunny.

"Uh..." replied the stunned Dorrey children.

"That's what I thought," said the Easter Bunny.

That's when the Easter Bunny's friend came strolling up from the beach. A small man with a green suit, matching hat and Irish accent. "Hey, Leprechaun, guess who these kids think is the cat's ass? Yeah, Mister milk and cookies again! Fuck that Douche bag."

"I'd like to punch that jolly fat fuck right in the nose," mumbled the drunk little man in the green suit, spilling gold coins all over the place. "Hey Easter Bunny, I met a couple a' chicks that want to hook up with us tonight, sound good?"

"Fuck yeah," said the Easter Bunny. "I always got a couple of eggs left in my basket for the ladies," he added with a snicker, grabbing at his crotch. "Hey kids, beat it now, or I'm not showin' up to your place next year. Oh - and leave a fuckin' window open, will ya? I don't magically twinkle my nose and zoom down the chimney, okay!"

On the verge of tears, the Dorrey children turned around and started walking away with their dreams crushed. The Leprechaun could sense that there might be yet more bad press coming their way, and hated to see his name in the paper again, adding to the stereotype of mean, Irish bastards. "Hey kids, here yee go," called out the Leprechaun, waving his arm and casting a beautiful rainbow from their feet, out into to ocean. "Follow that!" he said. "There's treasure!"

"Wow," said the kids, with their hopes anew. "Thank you!"

After the kids were out of ear shot, the Easter Bunny asked the Leprechaun, "Is that thing really leading to a pot o' gold?"

"Yeah," said Leprechaun, "I always keep my word! But, a cast iron pot full of gold in the ocean isn't gonna help 'em when the rainbow disappears! It's gonna save our asses from ending up on the cover of The National Enquirer next week, though. Come on-let's go see if Cupid is awake yet, and get some condoms off him before we try and gang-bang those two sluts from Dallas."

"You're a fucked up dude, Leprechaun," replied the Easter Bunny, watching the Dorrey kids skip up the rainbow into oblivion. "Santa... man, I hate that fucking asshole!"

Breaking News - Two young children from Atlanta went missing while on vacation with their parents in Cabo San Lucas yesterday and are feared to have been swept out to sea. The Mexican coast guard was busy at the time, using their one jalopy helicopter to fly several kilos of coke up to San Diego, but might try and look for the children on the way back- but probably won't.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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