Written by Philip J. Moss
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Wednesday, 16 March 2016

image for The Apprentice, Part Deux

[It's November 18, 2016. An announcer off stage yells out: "Ladies and Gentlemen! The President-elect of the United States - Donald Trump!" Trump walks on stage as an orchestra plays "Hail To The Chief."]

"Thanks everyone, and thanks to all of you who voted for me last week. As for the rest of you, all I can say is, you're not welcome here any more, and maybe you should think about moving to Canada or New Zealand. Or Zambia.

"Well as you know, we're here tonight to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court that was created when Justice Antonin Scalia died nine months ago, so without further ado, let's begin."

[Curtain rises behind Trump to reveal a huge black desk and four contestants sitting in front of it. Trump sits behind desk and addresses the first contestant.]

"First contestant, you are Vladimir Putin, currently President of the Soviet Union."

"Excuse, please. Is Russia, not Soviet Union."

"Ask me if I care. Soviet Union, Russia, what's the diff?"

"And I not citizen of United States."

"So? Nothing in our Constitution says I can't appoint a foreigner to the Supreme Court. But you know what? You talk too much. Go on, get out of here."

[Putin is escorted off stage.]

"Second contestant, you are Saul Goodman, formerly known as Jimmy McGill. I understand that you're a lawyer who represents meth dealers, is that right?"

"Well, actually, I only play a lawyer on television, and my real name is Bob Odenkirk."

"Did I ask you that? Do I look like I care?"

"But I thought you should know . . ."

"Listen, when I want your advice, I'll ask for it. I don't have to appoint a real lawyer to the Court. The Constitution doesn't limit appointees to real lawyers, or any kind of lawyers. In fact, it doesn't even say the appointee has to be human. I could appoint a chimpanzee to the Court. Okay, you're done."

"But . . ."

"Go on, get out of here. You're fired. [Odenkirk is escorted off the stage.]

"Next contestant is . . . [looks at teleprompter] Hsing Hsing. Did I pronounce that right? You're the son of Ah Meng, who died in the Singapore Zoo in 2008? Do we have a picture of you with your mom?

"Okay, I can see this isn't going to work, your hair looks better than mine. Go back to Singapore."

[Attendant comes on stage and takes Hsing Hsing by the hand, walks him out.]

"Okay, last contestant, Ivanka Trump. Don't say a word, my princess, you're beautiful and we don't want to spoil it. [Trump stands up and moves around the desk to embrace his daughter, turns and faces the audience.] "Let's have a hand for Justice Ivanka!" [Applause, curtain.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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