Written by Auntie Matter
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

image for The Pope In Mexico No way! I Would Never Say that in Public!

It was a hot day as Pope Francis addressed over ten thousand people today at the National Auditorium, Mexico City.

His Holiness, visibly tired from his hectic days of meetings with local dignitaries, diplomats and politicians seemed very thirsty as he availed himself freely from a large decanter of 'water'placed on a small table by his throne.

Pope Francis's Address in Mexico City

Raising his glass and waiting for the mass hysteria to subside Pope Francis began:

"Fellow Mexicans, hasta la vista! I come to you in my heavily armoured bullet-proof car as a living witness to my faith in Christ.

You can't be too careful.

(Drinks).

You have a wonderful city, famous for its architexshure, its abandoned crappy women...and its wind filled farts.

Sorry,...

Its bands of happy women...and its wonderful art.

This morning, I went to see the famous murals of your own Diego Rivera at The Palacio de Belles Artes. Jesus it's hot!

(Drinks.In doing so his notes flutter from his hand into the air. Priests scramble to collect them but Francis waves them aside).

Let me be guided by the Holy Word!

(Loud cheers from the crowd. A man staggers from his wheelchair and falls on his face. His wife faints. Francis smiles benevolently in their direction before reaching for his glass.)

Diego! that fat self-indulgent, ego-maniacal, hypocritical bastard as you all know, painted for the Rockefellers.

Yea beguiled brethern, I kid thee not! And would have stolen the pesos off his dead granny's eyes in a heart beat to buy drinks for himself and his buddies.

We have the files on dat dude.

We Jesuits were into information control centuries before the Internet was even thought of! We ARE the internet! What did you think the confessional was all about? Yet! And I mean this most compassionately...old Rivera did have a point in his murals, very critical as they were of the capitalist nature of society. Speaking of which...I fervently pray that Mexico becomes prosperous so that you have the opportunity to commit more sins.

Without sins where would the church be, huh? Not to mention our Providential Resource La Banco Ambrosiano.

We depend on sins so...you know what to do.

(Loud cheers. Praise de Lord! Hallelujah!).

Thank you, my brothers and sisters.

Where was I?

(Drinks).

Oh yes, forgive meeee hog diggity dog! dem burritos I had for breakfast...

(reaching for his glass.)

The wind bloweth where it lishtetth...sorry...listeth...whatever the hell that means....and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh.

Wouldst thou wantest too Amigos? Right on dudes! And dat's because fellow Americans...we wear fifteen kilos of heavy duty robes, especially on days like this when the sun is hot enough to melt George W. Bush's drinks cabinet! Don't ask me why.

I would prefer jeans and a Tee myself...but who the hell listens to me? Huh?

(Drinks).

I digresh (hiccup).

Diego Rivera was a fervent Marxshit ...but, speaking as a Jesushit myself, God bless'em one and all...you should know we taught Marx and hence his disciple Lean On...er...Leon Trotsky all they knew.

Yea! brothers! All de kneeeew brothers,...every little eency weency bit! Who taught them philosophy in the first place...

Come on! And Why? Get my drift? We Jesuits were into all that shit aeons before Marx was even born, dat ole Platonic duality bull that we had been using for centuries.

A kid of ten could figure it out.

Dialectics Amigos! Yea right! Where did dat come from? Huh? We Jesuits is de answer! It comes from us and our brothers sitting in libraries in monasteries for hundreds of years burning the midnight oil as they dug through miles and miles and miles of ancient writings is the answer.

Old Karl bought the lot.

We dished it out to him at the British Museum where our boys met him regularly to show him what was what...capitalists versus proletariats yo ho ho! Yea right! Worked a treat.

We had him convinced he came across the entire crock of twaddle all by himself.

(Drinks. A priest tries to wrest the glass from his hand but receives a papal kick in the groin.)

Didn't see that comin' did ya!? Irish prick! Anyway,...where was I? We knew old Marx would write the stuff up as if it were his own and disheminate it widely...with a little maths thrown in... which is exactly what we wanted...because...and I mean this sheeple...er...people...most sincerely...when people think they have insight Amigos, when they are full of pride and intellectual arrogance, they belong to us, like pawns on a chess board.

Only then can we use them for our own purposes which are, as they always have been, world domination, world control, sheeple subjugation en masse, by Bible, Koran, Sutras, science, miracles and visions...we don't give a damn frankly.

Give us an arrogant fantasist who thinks he is God's gift and we will give you back a Hollywood superstar.

(Long Pause).

I feel quite dizzy, did somebody....my God...

(falls to his knees)...

I see Him!

At this point, His Holiness rolled off his throne his eyes trained skywards and a dreadful trembling convulsing his body.

A large military force of soldiers and police at that point appeared out of nowhere to seize all phones and cameras from the crowd.

No television broadcasts of the event were seen that night anywhere.

It was like it never happened.

It is said Pope Francis and his entourage may be returning home sooner than expected.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

57 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more