Written by Auntie Matter
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Monday, 1 February 2016

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HEADLINES

KIM KARDASHIAN ROCKED UP TO RIHANNA'S FIRST DIAMOND BALL BENEFIT IN A PLUNGING LEOTARD WITH MESH NETTING. Friends say this is a radical departure for her. Kim has also been made an offer by Air Canada to model her bum for new hot air balloon.

MOTHER OF NINETEEN CHILDREN VOWS "NEVER TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN".

FRANK BRUNO GIVEN ALL CLEAR BY DOCTORS TO RESUME BOXING... BUT MAY HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES.

BRITISH EX-PRIME MINISTER TONY BLAIR SAYS HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY IN A PHONE BOOTH IN BRIGHTON WHEN HE WAS ONLY TWENTY-NINE. "NEVER AGAIN', SAYS HE.

KATE MIDDLETON LOSES 2.3 KILOS IN JUST THREE MONTHS. AUSTRALIA CELEBRATES.

ENGLAND BEATS LITHUANIA BY THREE WICKETS. UMPIRE ALLEGEDLY BRIBED.

DEMONSTRATOR AGAINST WHALE FISHING EATS LIVE FROG AT BALLET PERFORMANCE.

OBAMA CLAIMS HE GOT DRUNK ONCE IN HIS TEENS... BUT "NEVER AGAIN".

J.K.ROWLING CLAIMS THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO HER AND "IT WAS SOOOO...SOOO....EMBARRASSING" AS SHE RECALLS WAKING UP ON A GRAVEL HEAP AT A BUILDING SITE IN CLAPHAM, COMPLETELY NAKED.

PET BAT BITES EAR OFF CAT. FOOTAGE GOES VIRAL ON YOUTUBE.

HUGH HEFNER TO MARRY EX-NUN. POPE FRANCIS INVITED.

HENRY KISSINGER CELEBRATES HIS 119TH BIRTHDAY AT BOHEMIAN GROVE. GEORGE W. BUSH CUTS CAKE. BILL CLINTON CUTS COKE.

ALSO;

A giant meteor has crashed into Riga, capital of Latvia, killing 300,000 people, unconfirmed report says.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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