Written by Samuel Vargo
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Saturday, 23 January 2016

image for Who said it? Sarah Palin or the Crazy Cat Lady just released from the Juno mental hospital?

1) "Mr. President, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke."

2) "Nuclear weapons are fun. I think every good upstanding American without a criminal history should have one or two of them."

3) "I'm a strong supporter of the NRA and I honestly believe, down in the bottom of my heart, that we should all start trying to put "FUN" back in funerals."

4) "'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!'"

5) "The Alaskan word for black bear, or wait a minute, is it least weasel? Well fellas, it's either Mitch McConnell or John McCain, but I can't tell one from the other."

6) "He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

7) "My crack pipe for a horse. And when I say 'horse' I mean a brand new Corvette."

8) "But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies."

9) "I think that little Chinese fella Kim Jong-Un is just so cute. I'd like to take him to a good old Alaskan hoe-down sometime this winter."

10) "It's doubtful Russia will be invading Alaska anytime soon considering Russia cared so little about Alaska they sold it for 2 cents an acre. Come to think of it, with our current economic crisis, maybe we should just sell it back. It could be America's equivalent of selling all the DVDs you never watch on eBay to make some extra bucks after you've lost your job."

11) "The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming! Guard your house and livestock!"

12) "I once got lost in the woods behind my house and had to fend for myself for three weeks until the Red Cross discovered me shivering in an evergreen tree. Good thing it was summertime in Alaska. I survived by eating ground hogs and insects. And the crickets didn't taste too darned bad. I hated the way their little legs scurried around in my mouth. Yuck, it was gross!"

13) "Only dead fish go with the flow."

14) "I think on a national level your Department of Law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we've been charged with and automatically throw them out."

15) "It's sad how even adult politicians are worrying about what the other cool politicians think about them. Gotta wonder if the House and Senate are just like one big Gossip Girl episode."

16) "Back when I was young, I wanted to ever so badly join the Army but I didn't have a penis. Now that I'm an old gal, how I envy these kids with vaginas who can join the Armed Services. Even the Marine Corps. There's something really sexy about a gal shooting off a machine gun, right fellas?"

17) "How sad that Washington and the media will never understand; it's about country. And though it's honorable for countless others to leave their positions for a higher calling and without finishing a term, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make."

18) "The way I used to work off office stress when I was the governor of the Great State of Alaska was to take my kids on hunting trips. And I always go after the biggest animals out there. Bears, wolves and moose."

19) "Remember that old advertisement that said, 'Got Milk?" Well, if I ever get into that big political game again, whether it be the Presidency or the director of the downtown soup kitchen, my slogan will be 'Got Guns?'"

20) "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

21) "It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: 'Sit down and shut up,' but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."

22) "I cannot wait to go get my fried butter on a stick, and fried cheesecake on a stick and...Twinkies, especially in honor of those who would rather just be forced to eat our peas."

23) "Each and every Wednesday morn after we go to the good ole Alaskan hoe-down, my family loves it when we git back to the ole homestead and I fry up a mess of moose and wolf omelets in that good ole cast-iron skillet."

24) "Sometimes when I talk I get something like the bird flu. It's called the word flu. Ha ha ha. I just can't get those crispy lil'critters out of my mouth. Dag nabbit!"

25) "See because our President is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes."

26) "We believe"? Wait, I thought fast food joints…huh. Don't you guys think that they're like of the Devil or somethin' I was. Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don't believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin' so they all go VEGAN and, uh, wages and picket lines I dunno they're not often discussed in Purgatory, are they? I dunno why are you even worried about fast food wages because…Well, we believe an America where minimum wage jobs they're not lifetime gigs they're stepping stone."

27) "Finally, they have won me over. I actually agree with the liberals' war whoop. I, too, demand that this issue of young illegal aliens flooding across our border into horrendous conditions be taken care of. Now!"

28) "Illegal aliens? I'm all for them and I love them. I think every good American citizen who passes a background check and has a clean criminal history should own one or two of them - those dag-nabbited illegals, that is!"

29) "These Alinsky-lovin', Orwellian, out-of-touch command-and-control elitists who've been running the show? "Well, they used to rail against big government and the man. Remember that? Huh? They are the man! Their M.O.? It's to play the politics of personal destruction against anyone that they would deem a threat to their power. And they distract - be-bopping from one scandal after another, knowing that there are so many that you can't keep up with all of them. So no one's ever held accountable. From the IRS corruption to you being spied on to, gosh, Benghazi, to bailouts, to, oh, 'Bush's war was bad' but Barack's bombs? Oh, baby. Those red lines? The strategery there that was thought up on the Back 9? Barack's bombs, oh; they're the bomb.' Well, goodness sake.""

30) "These folks in Alaska don't know I'm an Intellectool. Axetually, I read some book wrote-in by George Orwell every night before I doze off into la-la land. So take that, you suckers, you losers!"

WHO SAID WHAT?

Sarah Palin: 1, 4, 6, 8. 10, 13, 14, 15, 17, 20, 21, 22, 25, 26, 27, 29

Crazy Cat Lady: 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 12, 16, 18, 19, 23, 24, 28, 30

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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