Written by rfreed
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Monday, 4 January 2016

image for Conspiracy Theories #3 - More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn't afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

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The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory #934- Unscrupulous sleeping pill manufactures have been putting timed release micro-bits of caffeine in their sleeping pills to stimulate their sales. Determined to sell more by waking back up the very people who have been faithfully purchasing their products, these sleazy salesmen of scandalously non-salubrious saturated sleep aids have been wrecking the health of American citizens for months now. They were only discovered when have the research team at the FBI's offices were slumping over their desks in the morning due to lack of sleep.

The source of these notorious nocturnal aids that noxiously needle our noodles into non-sleep mode have been coming from the same Central American cartels who present America with most of its recreational drugs. So now not only are these heinous groups destroying our lives and our minds in the daylight hours but they are coming after us and our dollars during our rest cycle as well.

Conspiracy Theory #74 - Both foreign and domestic corporate entities who pride themselves on their superior intellect and 'evolved state' have been conspiring to create 'smart phones' and devices with the actual intent of reducing the population of 'dumb' people in the world. Manufactured devices that are supposedly 'smart' prove to be too great a temptation for dumb people in the world who spend their hard earned cash from ordinary labor jobs to buy them in the misbegotten belief that possessing one will make them look cool, intelligent and 'with it'. The actual outcome of their purchase is that they spend an inordinate amount of their day first trying to learn the devices unending amount of capabilities ( most of which are actually worthless) then spending hours of their free time downloading and browsing the most inane things imaginable (Oh, look! Kim Kardashian is wearing a really slinky dress!).

The true evil intent of the development of these devices is that the purchaser eventually becomes so wrapped up in the device and its myriad of components that he/she loses all perspective of the everyday life around them much like drug addicts do. They begin to do such things as texting about a shirt they just bought while walking out into busy traffic. They view a website on how to make deep-fat fried chocolate Twinkies while walking precariously close to a non-fenced edge of the sidewalk where they are digging a deep ditch. They look down to email a picture of their baby with their pet turtle while walking through a construction area with face high beams across the walkway.

This insidious plot appears to be working. According to the authors of the Darwin Theory books the percentage of dumb deaths has spiked incredibly since smart devices made their debut a number of years ago. Thereby the Darwin Awards books are coming out with new versions of the bestsellers ever three months. And the end is not in site yet, at least according to my smart phone.

Conspiracy Theory #849 - A dire plot to inspire social unrest and aggravation in American neighborhoods has been discovered with the seemingly innocuous invention of motorcycle radios. What to some may seem as a device meant to increase the enjoyment of the motorcycle rider is actually the Devil's tool to anger his neighbors and dramatically increase traffic accidents. The average motorcycle enthusiast, already riding a bike with an overly loud muffler, adds to his decibel outage by blaring his radio as well, much to the consternation of anyone who has to wait through a traffic light next to him and winds up deaf in his motorcycle facing ear for the rest of the day thereafter.

This diabolical plot, apparently fomented by foreign radio manufacturers at the instructions of their devious government, also targets the riders themselves. The rider cannot hear the radio and wear a helmet at the same time, thusly ratcheting up the odds of the rider having an accident. Also the radio cuts out a lot of the warning noises that would draw the attention of the driver to an oncoming danger- screeching brakes, warning yells, the sudden absence of noise as one propels through the air after unnoticingly driving over a cliff, etc.

The US. Government has been trying to correct this grievous situation but has been halted by a lawsuit from the U.S. Bikers For The Freedom Of Doing Whatever The Hell We Want Association. Further developments shall be reported as they transpire.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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