Written by Auntie Matter
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Saturday, 31 October 2015

image for 10 Worst Things About Being Irish Blessed are the Meek...

(1) Claiming that you are "irish". Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking they are Irish. An 'Irish' beard has never been shaved by an 'Irish' razor.

(2). Seeking recognition for doing something exceptional. Taboo is that. That is why the Irish are hopeless at anything competitive. "Who da fuck duz he tink he is?" is an effective deterrent against the very thought of trying to win at ANYTHING. Should you happen to inadvertently excel at ANYTHING you will be driven out of the country.

(3). Homophobia. A 'real' Irish man shites his drawers at any sigthing of the colour pink. That's how he knows he's a 'real' man. He makes sure his wife never wears pink lipstick as it might freak him out. Dat be de shoor sign of 'manliness'.

(4). Anybody who reads more than two books a year in Ireland is a "poofter".

(5). You have to drink yourself to death religiously and consistently and cry 'manly' tears over your deceased parents; otherwise you do not belong.

(6). You have to make it clear to your wife or girflfriend that she does not matter a fuck, especially if you get her pregnant... because you are a 'real' Irishman, and treating your partner like a piece of shit is how you are supposed to be and that is what really matters because if you lose your identity as a 'real' Irishman you will be just like everybody else and your spouse or girlfriend should understand and accept that... otherwise she does not 'love' you.

(7). It should be clear to you, as an Irishman, that anybody who has money is a servant of Satan and is going to hell. Ergo, you must be poor to get to heaven... and stay poor for the rest of your life because Jesus only loves poor people. Then only... will your parents be proud of you enough to mention you in public.

(8). If you want God to love you, you must be a loser like him. Jesus might have risen from the dead as a winner. But that is neither here nor there. The fact that he was betrayed, victimized and crucified is really where it is all at. Be ye like your father in heaven... and get crucified before you reach forty so that your kith and kin can be proud of you. All Irish heroes are victims or martyrs for that reason. Go ye forth my son and do likewise.

(9). You must revere your mudder. Your fadder don't matter a shit as he will proudly tell you himself.

(10). If you have a girlfriend and somebody else takes an interest in her, kindly step aside and let them get on with it. That shows that you are a 'real' gentleman and can get along quite well without her; and that, above all, is the mark of a 'real' man. Then alone can you tick all the boxes and go to mass like a 'dignified Irishman' instead of the beguiled idiot you truly and hopelessly are; good for nothing except breeding, abusing your wife and children and drinking yourself to death. Amen.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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