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Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Hezbollah has been assisting President Assad of Syria in fighting many of his enemies, not least the self-styled "Caliph" Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

However, Hezbollah has recently decided to pull their forces out of Syria, on account of a shameless revelation the Syrian leader made on a Qatarese television show.

In front of millions of viewers, Assad wept:

I've had something on my mind a long time, that I've been ashamed to admit. I was afraid to say anything, because I was afraid some of the religious people I know might have condemned me.

But I can't hold it in any longer.

Please listen, and don't judge me.

I've been locked deep, deep inside this, you know, dark confining space, and I just want to get out of there, step out of this wardrobe, as it were, into the comforting light of day.

And even if the glare outside is harsh and there are no secrets, I'd rather be subjected to the slings and arrows of outrageous, um, of outraged clerics, than have to hide my true self any longer.

My confession is:

I just don't believe that the government should be religious in character.

Yes. I know that to a lot of people this will sound outrageous...

But believe me, there are more people like me in Syria and else where in the Middle East than many are willing to acknowledge. We are a secret community, living in silence, but everyday we hope and pray that one day, we will be free, and no longer subjected to the whims of power-hungry clerics.

Yes...

Monstrous and indefensible, repugnant and flagrantly immoral as it may sound to many, I believe with all my heart that religious pluralism, and the rights of all minorities are actually best safeguarded by a government that is religiously impartial.

So, please forgive me, and don't underestimate what a struggle this has been for meā€¦

That's all I wanted to say.

The presenter was horrified.

Oh...

Well! Have you no shame? If this how you actually feel, this is bad enough. No-one is perfect.

But even so, if you had only had the decency to be discreet, perhaps people could have overlooked it, and to see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Whatever dark thoughts and sentiments you hug close to yourself in moments of temptation, God will understand, and he will forgive you your weakness.

But...

But...

But, to go on television and actually say something so wicked, corrupt and disreputableā€¦

Well, let me just ask you: even if you don't care about your own reputation, what about your father's?

President Assad then bawled at the top of his voice, tears streaming down his cheeks:

Don't you understand? This is not just about me. Because my father...

Don't say it!!!

Warned the host, wagging her finger in a desperate attempt to stop Assad from digging an even deeper pit for himself.

No, please, please just listen to me. My father...

My father, well...

Well, not a lot of people know this...

But he was secular too!!!

Hezbollah, upon hearing this disgracefully indiscreet act of self-disclosure, have now refused to have anything to do with President Assad.

However, the UK government has condemned Hezbollah for holding such an intolerant attitude towards secular leaders.

This abandonment of President Assad, this wanton act of assistance to Daesh is unforgivable!

Thunders David Cameron.

For, after all, we have been trying for decades to destroy secularism in the Middle East and North Africa funding various theocratic militants, and doing all we can to overthrow secular leaders in Iran, Iraq, Syria, and anywhere else you could care to mention!

So, the last thing we need is people preventing us from cornering the market in this most lucrative and noble of humanitarian-industrially-complex monopoly ventures!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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