Written by Dick Sheerer
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Wednesday, 22 July 2015

image for The Case Against Technology- Part 10: Boats A Boat Afloat

Boats

The invention of the boat was another manifestation of man's proclivity to retain his inner animal. In this case it's the fish. Due to the abundance of water on the planet it was difficult to avoid.

The main problem with boats is that they sink and people tend to drown as a result. This can be expected from a vessel invented thousand of years ago. Still they remain a popular mode of transportation because boat-lovers have failed to adequately evolve into modern times. A part of their mind is stuck way back in primeval times when the first sailors were so excited about boating that a significant strain of humanity -- their decedents -- never got over it. For them sailing is a ritualistic endeavor, they wear special clothes and have a sailing vernacular all their own.

When boating they think it's a valid activity with some merit, and act so interested and involved in the process. While they sail off over the horizon to nowhere, staring out into an endless expanse of sea and sky, what could they possibly be thinking about? They probably don't even know themselves, but the study has determined that they go into a sort of nostalgic trance as they vicariously relive the wandering quest of the roaming nomad in their DNA.

Boats are yet another example of the human attempt to be an animal, in this case a fish. Having shed his scales, fins, and gills through evolution, man was forced to settle for the next best thing-a boat. But like all of the other idiotic animal based ideas it was doomed to failure. Aquatic transportation systems are cumbersome and unsuitable, and should be discontinued in favor of more viable alternatives. What good is a boat that floats when it's about to go over Niagara Falls? Luckily, the rest of us have enough sense to hate boats.

Rafts- This first form of boat was accidentally discovered when a prehistoric man who couldn't swim climbed on a floating log to save himself from drowning. It quickly became a popular alternative to swimming because man is by nature a lazy species.

Rowboats- These are the result of the early boaters' frustration with the limitations of the raft. Boat builders designed a new model with a streamlined contour and equipped with long wooden paddles called oars. These boats are used by people who are too cheap to buy a motor. It's a primitive mode of boating that entails strenuous labor rowing with wooden paddles called "oars". Some esteemed psychologists surmise that rowboat aficionados are attracted to the long penis-like oars. Why else would they bother? They also speculate that this may account for the large percentage of gay sailors.

Motorboats-
After the invention of the internal combustion engine it wasn't long before it would be attached to the boat. Motorized boats are used by people who are too lazy to use rowboats. Motorboat ownership is a sign of weakness and shows an utter lack of manliness. Owners think that having a loud motor makes them more macho, but a survey of sexy women shows that loud motors actually scare women away, and are therefore a homosexual feature in boating.

Yachts- While motorboats middle class status symbols, yachts are glorified motorboats. They are owned by people who are either rich enough to afford it, or by people who had to sell their house to buy the yacht - and are condemned to roam the seas fishing for food. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some even have sails for when the engine inevitably stalls. These expensive vessels have no useful purpose other than to get lost at sea, or simply sink and drown all passengers aboard.

Ferries- Here's a boat idea that has a practical use. Its only purpose is to transport cargo, people, and vehicles, short distances across the water. They are cheap and easy build and operate, but men would rather undertake the mammoth task and expense of building bridges instead. That's because macho guys associate the name Ferry with the other kind of Fairy. If they travel on a ferry others might think they are gay. They would rather drown than be suspected of that. This homophobic discrimination is detrimental to society. But there are plenty of other reasons why ferries should be banned, starting with frequency rate of their sinking. It seems like every week we see news reports of these rust-buckets sinking like a rock and killing hundreds of poor innocent victims.

Cruise Ships- Luxury liners are well known for breaking down and stranding hundreds of people on board with outbreaks of disease and no running water. Passengers are trapped together on a floating insane asylum out in the middle of the ocean. These boats carry lost souls to their destiny of death. But to sell tickets cruise operators need to give the ships names like Princess and Carnival. The Titanic was an excellent example of a typical cruise ship.

This boat is for people who have delusions of grandeur. For those who think they have too much leisure time to waste this boat serves only one purpose - to punish them by hitting an iceberg and sinking. Another example of a typical cruise was shown in the Poseidon Adventure film. Cruise ships and cargo ships are popular targets of pirates. Freelance buccaneers in Somalia know they can easily commandeer these boats and hold the crew ransom for a quick 10 million bucks.

Cargo Ships- Also known as Freighters. Every year the size of these boats gets bigger and bigger, so they can carry more and more merchandise from an impoverished land of slaves starving away in sweatshops, and deliver it overseas to feed the insatiable consumer appetite in a land of wealth and excess.

Fully loaded with stacks of containers packed with products for the nameless masses, cargo ships symbolize our culture of over-abundant materialism - especially when they sink. While society goes all the way to hell, the shipping industry laughs all the way to the bank. Oil tankers are a type of freighter that spills its cargo into the ocean causing irreparable damage to fragile marine ecosystem. But mariners don't give a damn because they're a motley crew.

Battleships- Ever since boats were invented they were used as war machines. The good thing about battleships is that they destroy other ships. This is a practical use of an impractical vessel. These boats loaded full of munitions and drunken sailors are accidents waiting to happen. The entire US Navy's Pacific Fleet was accidentally docked at Pearl Harbor because the sign there misspelled the name Peril.

If only they knew the correct spelling war with Japan would have been avoided. Instead hundreds of sailors, who wanted nothing more than to sleep off their hangovers that Sunday morning, lost their lives in the perilous harbor. That was a drop in the bucket compared to the total death toll racked up by battleships.

Aircraft Carriers- This naval ship/airport combo is an innovative military transportation idea that would have been better left on the drawing board. At first glance it does look impressive, but when you think about it for a while it is actually a dumb idea -- most likely the result of some boondoggle pork barrel project devised by some defense contractor and senator who ran out of practical ideas to waste tax money on.

To maximize profits --and kickbacks -- they needed to make something huge. They originally wanted to build an airbase and battleship separately, but the Senate appropriations committee would only finance one project. So the politician and contractor did what they do best, they finagled a this monstrous contraption that incorporated both ideas in one ridiculous project. It was an impulse purchase, as congress and contractors were so drunk with cash that they didn't bother to think it through. And now were stuck with a foolish fleet of these things.

It's such a scandal that investigators suspect that the deployment of aircraft carriers is actually an enemy sabotage operation, because the consequence of having these boats is the same as if our enemies were responsible. If not, then the other excuse is even worse; that we are our own worst enemy. Military engineers made a monumental mistake with this one. They should have known that aircraft are in the air, not on the water. But by the time they realized their mistake it was too late. It is a gargantuan gaffe that will live in infamy. Meanwhile fighter jets landings continue to exceed the length of the runway and slide into the sea.

Submarines- This vessel represents the end result of the evolution of water-based modes of transportation, and it proves a pertinent point about its perverse problem. The submarine is a huge penis-shaped craft designed primarily for underwater navigation. As another mechanical manifestation of man's animal obsession it resembles a stealthy shark stalking the depths on routine patrol.

It has a telescopic tube called a periscope that rises from the sub to the surface like an erect penis. Unlike binoculars the periscope has only one lens, which represents the single-minded mentality of the submarine crew. Specifically designed for predatory sneak attacks, it's a wicked weapon-wielding war fortress that, when aroused, shoots out penis-shaped missiles called torpedoes. These ejaculated projectiles penetrate so fast and deep with an explosive charge so powerful that no target is impregnable against them. These boats were accidentally invented by engineers when an experimental warship they were building partially sank.

True to form these submersible watercraft were instrumental in helping the Nazi Germany kill thousands of British and American serviceman in WWII. This vessel represents the end result of the evolution of water-based modes of transportation, and it proves a pertinent point about its perverse problem. The submarine is a huge penis-shaped craft designed primarily for underwater navigation. It is yet another mechanical manifestation of man's inner animal resembling a stealthy shark stalking the depths on routine patrol.

It has a telescopic tube called a periscope that rises from the sub to the surface similar to a penis erection. Unlike binoculars the periscope has only one lens, which represents the single-minded mentality of the crew. Specifically designed for predatory sneak attacks, it's a water-born weapon-wielding war fortress that, once aroused, shoots out penis-shaped missiles called torpedoes, named after the sandwich. These ejaculated projectiles penetrate fast and deep with an explosive charge so powerful that no target is impregnable against them.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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