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Saturday, 4 July 2015

In order to facilitate the public communication and popularisation of science (as distinguished from mere 'vulgarisation,' science forbid…

Professors Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Steven Pinker and Sam Harris have formed a (post-)80s boyband supergroup: the Non-Dumb-Dumb-Boys.

In doing so, they intend to convince arrogant, complacent, self-indulgent pomo humanities scholars and students of the undeniable merits of reason, science, logic, empirical rigour, and most importantly of all, evolutionary psychology.

The first song released by the Non-Dumb-Dumb-Boys is a marginally innovative cover (not to say rehash) of the Baywatch theme tune, "I'll be ready."

The song also has a guest appearance from Noam Chomsky and A C Grayling...

Who are both sitting glumly in at the back of the stage and trying to work out why it is even remotely worthwhile for this new band to even engage with people who aren't capable in the slightest of understanding the intrinsic and unquestionable importance of all genuinely rational enquiry and social progress.

Here are the first few verses. I am afraid the whole song drones on a bit. Not sure if they can fit it on an LP, but maybe it will be a free giveaway on the internet on something:

Some students live in the Dark Ages
Contemptuous of the Enlightenment!
Some students need somebody to help them
Get over this postmodern bulls***

So don't you flunk now,
You're gonna be a genius
For science is interesting
And you need a more groundbreaking thesis!

I'll be clever
He'll be clever!
Just get educated
Now don't you sneer
I'll be clever
Forever and always: You know my language is clear!

Don't play off instinct and reason,
Human nature's not metaphysics, ya see!
You have the intellect to make a credible theory
So the Deriddeans can G-T-F-me!

So please don't get bored now,
You're gonna be a genius!
Evo-psych is the truth
Even if its theories are all founded on penis!

You'll be clever
You'll be clever!
Educate your peers
Now don't you sneer

I'll be clever
Forever and always: You know my language is clear!

Science is not just a language-game
It's more serious than anything known
Foucault is junk, and Adorno is worse
And poststructuralism's a pedant side-show!

So don't get defensive now,
You're gonna be a genius!
Cos the trash in humanities
Is just a glass-bead game of convenience!

We'll be clever
We'll all be clever!
Joyfully drunk like beer
Better theories are here
We'll be clever
Forever and always: You know my language is clear!

DAWKINS

Ummm... oh, I say, dear old A C, what wattage do you think that stage light is?

GRAYLING

Oh, do just shup and get on with it, old chap!

DENNETT

Hey, A C, come on, man. Let's kind of, maybe, you know, try and show a bit of civility, all of us, OK?

HARRIS:

Hey! Daniel! Don't you DARE try and mediate between these two guys! I always knew you were a much bigger softy than the rest of the New Atheists.

Oh, you're just so damn conciliatory, you make Professor Gould look like Jimmy Swaggart! No more wooly compromises! No more moral equivalence!

No! If one of them is right, then the other one must be wrong! BY DEFINITION!

CHOMSKY

Uh, I don't think that's strictly true, Sam. I mean, there may be some commonality, a degree of analogy between certain discernible characteristics of their actions, but still...

PINKER

What? Who are you to criticise Sam? Noam, you literally have no idea what you're talking about!

I mean, you're not even a real scientist. Unlike evolutionary psychology, generative linguistics is just speculative, empirically dubious, junk pseudoscience, OK?

DAWKINS

Why, Steven, now, why not just leave him be! Presumably, he's beyond our help. I mean, science is interesting, and if anyone in this recording studio doesn't agree, they can just bugger off!

HARRIS

WHAT ON EARTH are you talking about, Richard? ANYONE? Just anyone at all? That's STILL moral equivalence, isn't it!


***

Sorry, I couldn't bear to listen any longer. And this is not just a purely aesthetic judgment.

**

Young Earth Creationists are unimpressed. "You know what, I'm as much of a highly articulate white guy as anyone else. But it's not pure rhetoric for me to say that evolutionary psychology is purely speculative, unverifiable, and even unfalsifiable," sneers notable fringe televangelist and pseudoscientist Lex Luther Galton Jeremiah Phillippoussis (see also: http://www.thespoof.co.uk/spoof-news/science-technology/122931/creationist-breakthrough-actually-the-world-is-really-really-old

Hmm, we've seen this guy before. He just won't shut up, will he? Must be an ideological thing or something,

However, the Non-Dumb-Dumb-Boys, albeit not for the first time, are not remotely impressed.

"Purely speculative, unverifiable, and even unfalsifiable? These guys just have no sense of irony!" they wail.

Well…

Fair point, I suppose.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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