Written by Auntie Matter
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Monday, 23 March 2015

image for Want to be Rich? The 'Real' God of this World.

In a recent survey of successful people UR-FUKT Magazine discovered what it takes to really "be somebody".

Business editor Eileen Dover said she was amazed at just how many beliefs the rich and powerful had in common, many of them held with passionate conviction.

So here is a compilation of ten of their responses for your inspiration.

1. Never give a sucker an even break. You do people a public service by reminding them how stupid they are and how clever you are.
2. If you ruin somebody and they complain you can always sue them for aggressive behaviour.
3. If you are found out you should get a better lawyer. A good lawyer will ruin lives on your behalf... because they can. We recommend Schillings. Really successful people like J.K.Rowling use them a lot.
4. If the evidence seems stacked against you play the old "conspiracy theory" card trick. It never fails. Your opponent gets to feel like a Muggle while you make off with his money, wife, business, reputation etc.
5. Always remember, you are never responsible for your actions. Be like a good Jesuit..."do what thou wilt!" and to hell with the consequences. God will forgive you anyway.
6. Money is made out of conflict. Embrace the concept and implement it wherever possible especially in those countries that have a lot of resources and no means of protecting themselves. Convince them they are surrounded by hateful enemies... to sell them arms, protection, technology, etc. Big bucks there. Use the old "global terrorism" ploy. That is what it is there for, and why your best pal George W. Bush and his buddies created it in the first place.
7. Never forget that the world and all it has belongs exclusively to you. It says so in the Bible and you'd be amazed how many Muggles believe in that drivel.
8. Money is the delusional power of the universe capable of turning white black and black white. The ugliest man in the world who has got enough of it will become the handsomest. Women will swoon at the very mention of his name. Go for it dude! Believe in yourself.
9. There is no God. That is just a myth for the weak and useless. So there is nobody but you to; answer to and as you are only here for a brief time and you are nothing except what you own, what does it matter about others? It's a free world, isn't it?
10. Others are your enemy. It is dog eat dog out there. Get the bastards before they get you!

And that ladies and gentlemen is how you "make it" in this world and why our beloved planet is the safe, wonderful, just, compassionate, joyful place God meant it to be.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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