Written by Loxley
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Saturday, 21 March 2015

Taken from the top news headlines this week:

• Reports indicate that the Disneyland measles outbreaks were caused by low vaccination rates. See what ObamaCare did this week? It lowered inoculation rates 10 years ago. Thanks, Obama.

• President Obama made his NCAA bracket picks. He admitted it was very difficult to take a break from his official duties and just enjoy the fun, frivolous moment. White House advisers immediately went into damage-control mode when the President stepped away from his bracket to consider his picks for the Championship game, for which Mr. Obama selected "Vill-iran" versus "Loui-rael."

• Apple announced plans to launch a Web TV Service this Fall…because in a world that is slowly warming to a temperature that will most assuredly suffocate us, this is the technological advancement we were waiting for.

• Republican Congressional members gathered to support increased spending for cancer research, even if it meant increasing the national deficit. Meanwhile, Glenn Beck declared he is "done" with the GOP. He went on to say, "...run from the Republican Party. They are not good." After some reflection on these Republican anomalies, the Democrats replied, "What is your ploy, you rat bastards?"

• Jorel Ware is suing McDonald's for providing an unsafe work environment. Ware claims he was burned above his left eye while removing apple pies from the oven at the Manhattan McDonald's. Did you hear that? There is a McDonald's in Manhattan. "Gross," responded the Upper East Side.

• President Obama vowed to fight the Republican Party, if necessary, in order to boost funding to under-performing schools. And he can pretty much guarantee the GOP will put up a hell of a fight. The Republicans can only survive if they take every opportunity to defeat the greatest threat to their Party and the source of hate for all modern-day conservative minds: educating this nation's youth.

• Lastly, a little story for your consideration...see if it has an impact on your five-year plan. Kensington Palace confirmed reports that Prince Harry plans to quit the Army in June after ten years of service. The Palace said he will be "searching" for a job in Africa. Let's be honest, if His Royal Highness can't get a little bit of nepotism going for him in his job search, the rest of us might as well quit while we are ahead. Just give up. Just accept your crappy circumstances, whether you can't find a job or hate the one you have. If Prince Ginger's father or brother can't "make a call," we are all officially stuck. Deal with it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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