Hello Friends. My name is Michael Dwayne Vick. I'd like to be recognized for one of my many fine accomplishments:
- As the most electrifying player in the NFL
- As the only quarterback in NFL history to rush for over 1,000 yards
- As the Atlanta Falcons Most Valuable Player of 2006
Unfortunately, there seems to be a well-orchestrated conspiracy to besmirch my spotless reputation. Most recently, I've been falsely accused of hiding marijuana in a secret compartment of my water bottle. Well, now that I've had time to take a deep breath…a really deep breath…and let the smoke settle, I'd like to explain my side of the story...errr...stories.
Besmirchment #1: Michael Vick has herpes.
In March, 2005, Sonya Elliot filed a civil lawsuit against me alleging she contracted herpes from me. Elliot further alleged that I had visited clinics under the alias "Ron Mexico" to get treatments and thus knew of my condition.
People should really learn to enunciate. Ms. Elliot didn't say "herpes", but "hairpiece." Yes, Michael Vick is balding. And Ms. Elliot is my stylist. I "contracted" her to create a hairpiece for me that could withstand the punishment of the NFL. However, I ultimately opted to become a member of the Hair Club for Men. She simply sued for breech of contract. And yes…I did use the alias Ron Mexico. So Michael Vick is a little sensitive about his thinning hair...Geez!
Besmirchment #2: Michael Vick flipped off the fans.
It's been claimed that after a Falcons loss to the New Orleans Saints in the Georgia Dome I made an obscene gesture to the crowd.
Even though we lost at home to the Saints, I wanted loyal Falcon fans to know that we were still number one. Perhaps it's customary to use your index finger for such statements. But as an elite NFL Quarterback, my index finger is critical to gripping, guiding, and throwing the ball. Michael Vick must protect it at all times. I simply use the next finger in line. Big deal!
Besmirchment #3: Michael Vick tried to smuggle marijuana through airport security.
On January 17, 2007 I surrendered my Aquafina bottle to security at Miami International Airport. The bottle was found to have a hidden compartment that according to police contained "a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana."
Wrong, wrong, and wrong! Isn't that the black calling the kettle, pot…or ummm, something like that.
Please, Miami's finest. Take a closer look and a closer listen. Maybe you grew suspicious when you overheard me mention "dime-sacks", "nickel-sacks" and "feeling blitzed." Come on. I'm Michael Vick. That's just defensive strategizing. And if you looked close enough, you'd realize that the "pungent dark particulate" was nothing more than my jewelry. Sure it's a common mistake. I too struggle to differentiate between, diamonds, cubic zirconia, and sensimilla. That's why I entrust all of my jewelry needs to a few select dealers…errr, jewelers. Lately, I've really been into gold. Especially this special kind from Acapulco. Ain't nothing like Acapulco Gold. It's kinda pricey, so I buy it by the ounce. In these times of stock market and real estate volatility its not just a fashion statement, but a sound investment!
God, writing makes me hungry. Someone get Michael Vick some White Castle sliders and fries!