Written by The Antipodean
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Tags: church, Doors

Thursday, 12 April 2007

Dear God,

For most of my life I have made You part of my life. Really, I opened my doors and asked you in. I've been to Church regularly, denied the intellectual allure of Darwin's Theory, and kept the sinning down to a reasonably manageable level. I have been a regular contributor to St Elmer's roof restoration fund and always found some loose change for those poor little Ethiopians enjoying a rough trot. But somehow, with reverential respect, I just don't think you've played the game where I am concerned. Let me, Saviour of Lost Souls, explain.

I have just got my card on the uspga circuit. It's been a bloody hard road, and frankly I could use a little hand from time to time, but with the greatest of respect, You appear to have forsaken me! Ok, Ok, I admit there have been occasions when I've missed the cut, or shanked a fairway shot, that I've taken your name in vein, but hey, aren't you the Man who's into forgiveness? Seriously, I'm just a little peeved at what happened at the 07 Masters. Some journeyman johnny -come- lately called Zach Johnson gets up and wins it! I wondered what his secret was until he let the cat out of the bag. It seems, according to good old "I'm The Lord's Favourite Son" Zach, You were with him every moment on the course! Apparently your lad Jesus caddied for him on each round! Did He carry the bag or did it sort of float along behind Him? Fair suck of the 7 iron! What about me? Why this jerk? Is it because he's got a Biblical name? Frankly God I wonder at times about you. Our boys are getting blown up in Iraq, which I might add is a country where an opposition deity claims the lion's share of the souls futures market, and you are nowhere to be seen! Let me guess...giving Zakky a bit of a hand with his short game were we?

Famine in Africa? Like to help but Zak's just got a bit of a problem with hooking his tee shots, has he? Then of course you still find time to give that sanctimonious Aussie bloke Aaron Baddeley a boost from time to time. Another biblical name I suppose!

I'm not asking for much. Just, every so often, a favourable bounce, and maybe if I ever find myself leading a tournament with Tiger Woods breathing down my neck, you'll make a tree suddenly grow in front of him as you did for Zach! Come on, be a sport! Oh yes, just to focus your attention, I am writing this from St. Nicklaus church where I am holding a statue of Mary over my head...if you ever want to see your son's mum in one piece again...!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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