Written by Auntie Matter
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Sunday, 22 February 2015

image for Hugh Hefner Liquefies Playboy in Mourning

America woke up this morning to the news that their global sex guru Hugh Hefner had passed away. It is not so much the fact of his passing, for he was approaching his 89th birthday on April... but the manner. Our reporter for "U2R-FKD" followed the story.
His housemaid for this month Eileen Dover who wishes to be known simply as "Miss February" broke the news. "Well, I went up to his bedroom as usual after counting the stairs."
"Counting the stairs?"
"Yes, Hugh was teaching me arithmetic so that I could give him his pills. And... (sobbing) when I went in... I was wearing my little white mini... he always loved me in that... you know with the pink bow at the back... I have such a time tying that in front of a mirror, I never seemed to get it the way he liked it, all flouncy and everything,... and fishnet stockings that Hugh had flown in especially from Paris.... Anyway, when I opened the door... I was most shocked. All I saw was a pool of green slime laying at the side of his bed,... all over his slippers and everything, all two of them... and it.... it was still wearing his silk jammies. Hugh was gone... I mean, more gone than I've ever seen him."
"Anything unusual?"
"Yes, the puddle was arranged in a fetal position."
Hefner, of course, was a main advertizer for Viagra and an habitual user thereof. The multinational pharmaceutical company Pfizer that manufactures the drug worldwide was quick to distance itself from the disaster.
Said Director Julian Smallpiece, "Viagra was first developed by us to combat jet lag in giraffes. But when we accidentally learnt of its possible use in the treatment of erectile dysfunction we were morally obligated to release it to the public. Mr. Hefner was one of our great champions... so to speak. We believe self-liquefaction may be associated with that other medical mystery, 'spontaneous combustion'.
"Spontaneous self-liquefaction?"
"You could call it that. But there is no scientific evidence of any association with Viagra. And I would like to stress that."
Tributes are pouring in from all over the world. UK model Marina Baker said; "He will be missed... always the perfect gentleman. I only ever saw him smoke his pipe once while making love."
David Letterman, a frequent visitor to the Playboy Mansion, told us:
"We admired him so much, he made us all green with envy. And around women... well, he just oozed confidence."
Actor Bruce Willis said: "He died as he lived, around a pool."
The Playboy empire however is making moves already to dumb down the horror of Hefner's demise and make it acceptable to the Sheeple. The next issues of Playboy magazine will all sport lime-green covers. And next month Versace will host their "In a Hugh of Green Collection" at Milan. Linda Blair, famous for her role as the demon-possessed child "Regan" in the Exorcist is rumoured to be making a guest appearance. Garavani will direct his own "Green Bunny Gala" in New York in Hefner's honour while Vivienne Westwood has said she will mount a "verdant fashion show" in London in which she will appear nude and covered in green gel. U2's Bono said it would be "an honour for the band to open the show... and green is one of my very favourite colours."
Hollywood meanwhile has writers working on sequels to both The Incredible Hulk and The Blob movies.
Nobody knows, of course, if it is all an elaborate hoax; or if Mr. Hefner really did meet with an end more unpredictable than the ones he had been used to all his adult life. His body is not around and we must await the forensic report; but it seems the worst really did happen. Said the actor Randy Quaid presently in hiding in Canada from what he calls "Hollywood Star-Whackers":
"It looks like a symbolic murder to me. I've seen a few. I won't be joining them, even if I have to turn bright blue and freeze to fuckin' death here in 'winter wonderland'."
The Internet is alive with conspiracy theories of yet another human sacrifice by the Illuminati. True or false, many are destined to make a 'mint' from his passing.
Meanwhile, Fr. Paddy O'Shea of the Los Angeles St. Patricks Day Parade Committee has sent open invitations to nursing homes all over California inviting all of Hefner's old flames to make a line of floats for the Paddy Day celebrations in March... and to wear something green.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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