Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 9 April 2007

Yes. the J-man is poking a little fun at the Mormons again. Read only if you wish to.

In a study recently released jointly by the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins University, it has been noted that a large number of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints suffer from a new form of P.M.S., known as Perfect Mormon Syndrome.

This condition is most likely bound to strike persons in the Utah, Idaho, and Arizona areas of the United States (though it has been reported in other states and countries). It may manifest itself in extreme cases with the desire to deliver cookies to your neighbors or humming Primary hymns in public places.

To determine if you are at risk for this condition, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you turn on your television satellite system, was it previously on BYU-TV?
2. Do you or your spouse have more than two long sleeved and two short sleeved white shirts in your closet, and an additional one in a small suitcase?
3. Does your vocabulary include the following swear words: flip, fetch, geez, golly, heck, or garbage?
4. Do you let the answering machine get the phone on Monday evenings?
5. Do your children have piggy banks with three sections: tithing, missionary fund, and spending money?
6. Do you own at least one mini-van?
7. Has your mini-van ever contained more than two car seats at once?
8. Have you ever used a dry pack canner?
9. Do you have large amounts of wheat, sugar, rice, salt, beans, and water in storage?
10. Is your garage full of empty mason jars by early summer, which are all filled up before winter?
11. Have you made all of the handicrafts on Martha Stewart Living before the episodes ever aired?
12. Have you ever made all of the presents by hand for the people on your Christmas gift list?
13. Can you name all of your ancestors going back further than your grandparents?
14. Do you consider The Brady Bunch a small family?
15. Have you made each of your children their own quiet book?
16. Do you carry a small Tupperware container of Fruit Loops or Cherrios in your purse?
17. Did you have children in preschool, grade school, junior high, high school, and college at the same time?
18. Do you drive children to church at six a.m. each weekday dressed in a ratty bathrobe, fuzzy slippers, and wearing hair curlers?
19. Did you or your spouse major in home ec, home management, or mother education at BYU?
20. Do you consider the greatest two years of your life the time you spent in a foreign place where you did not know the language, had a limited wardrobe, had to share a small, unheated apartment with a total stranger, and ate only on the charity of others?
21. Have you ever planned a vacation around visiting historic religious sites within the United States?
22. Do you pronounce the letter "o" as the letter "a" in such words as "corn" and "fork?"
23. Did you ever give your birthday pennies to the Primary Children's Hospital?
24. Do you know more than two recipes for jello salad?
25. Do more than two people in your immediate family have bible names?
26. Do you think the 24th of July should be a national holiday?
27. Did you never watch 60 Minutes (except for the Gordon B. Hinkley interview) until they started making 60 Minutes II on Wednesdays? Are you still unsure who this "Andy Rooney" is supposed to be?
28. Did you never kiss on the first date?
29. Did you not have your first date until you were at least sixteen?
30. Have you ever used any of the following expressions:
a. "I would feel remiss if I did not stand before you today."
b. "With every fiber of my being."
c. "Quadruple combination."
d. "When I was on my mission…"
e. "We never watch R-rated movies in our home."
f. "But the Prophet said….."
g. "…but she has such a sweet spirit."
h. "….the Spirit was so strong there…"
i. "I have room for improvement."
j. "My beloved brothers and sisters." (done in raspy Spencer Kimball voice)
31. Have you accidentally said "Brother" or "Sister" instead of "Mr." or "Mrs.?"
32. Have you ever played a "greenie joke" on a new missionary?
33. Did you ever shop at Mr. Macs?
34. Do you still own the wings you were presented when you were a Right Way Pilot? Do you still have your Targeteer Flag? Is your Blazer/Merrie Miss Banner still hanging on your bedroom wall?
35. Did you ever sing that you wanted to be a Sunbeam?
36. Do you still own your "Like Unto Us" soundtrack album?
37. Do you know the proper spot to raise your voice in the song "In the Leafy Treetops?"
38. Have you visited more temples than shopping malls?
39. Do you wear a CTR ring?
40. Do you remember the theme song to the "Tom Trails" filmstrips?
41. Have you ever referred to your spouse as an "eight cow wife?"
42. Do you spend the last day of each month visiting other members of your congregation?
43. Have you ever given a gift to a "secret sister" or been visited by a "Family Home Evening Phantom?"
44. Have you ever scripture chased for fun?
45. Have you ever taken your knitting on job interview?
46. Is there more than one cross stitch hanging on your home walls?
47. Did your favorite NFL team change depending on the quarterback (Danny White, Steve Young, Gifford Neilson, Marc Wilson, etc.)?
48. Do you start singing a hymn when an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by?
49. Did you earn the Genealogy merit badge in boy scouts?
50. Do you ever start sentences with: "And it came to pass…"?


If you answered "yes" to at least 80% of these questions, you may be suffering from P.M.S..

At this time, it has not been determined if this condition is fatal or permanent. Possible long term consequences, however might include Eternal Happiness with family and friends. Short term consequences may include being referred to as Molly Mormon or Peter Priesthood by family and friends.


Conversely, you might have the opposite condition and be slipping into "Jack Mormonism" if:

1. You consider a pizza and Monday Night Football as Family Home Evening with refreshments.
2. You eat the leftover Sacrament bread.
3. You hand out cigars at your son's baptism.
4. You buy the Sacrament bread at 7-11 on the way to church.
5. You always cheer for BYU's opponent.
6. You consider Stake and General Conference as your Sundays off.
7. You take the Sacrament with your left hand just to be defiant.
8. You've never read the Book of Mormon past the early chapters of 2nd Nephi.
9. You reverse the "yes" and "no' in "Shall the Youth of Zion Falter"
10. You request "Sing We Now at Parting" or "God Be With You Till We Meet Again" as the opening hymn.
11. You think Norman Rockwell was Brigham Young's bodyguard.
12. You name your kids Laman and Lemeul.
13. Your families know to expect you to hometeach them on the 31st.

The only known cure for this disease is to complete at least five items from the first list each month.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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