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Wednesday, 24 December 2014

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BILLINGSGATE POST: This new feature represents all that is bad about question and answer journalism. However, I feel there is a need to answer some questions from notables, such as those below, in order to satisfy the prurient interests of my readers.

Dear Dr. Billingsgate,

I read with interest your story about the woman who crazy glued her unfaithful husband's testicles to the bed frame to make sure he didn't sneak out when she was sleeping. I hope you don't mind me asking how she managed to do this without waking up the dog. My husband, Bill, sleeps with his Doberman next to him. If I tried something like that, the Doberman would be at my throat before you could say, "Slick Willy.".......Hillary Clinton

Dearest Hillary,

The women in question anticipated the dog being aroused and she drugged the dog before crazy gluing her sleeping husband's testicles to the bed frame. In your case, since you have all the characteristics of a Doberman, you could possibly interact with the dog by whispering in his ear. If he still goes after your throat, you might try drugging him. Use your discretion as this may involve PETA.

Yo Doctor,

You keep using the doggerel phrase, "faster than pizza going through a dog." Since I enjoy eating pizza, it's important in my line of work to know how quickly pizza goes through a dog's alimentary canal. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of those crazy coeds gone wild in Cancun......Snoop Doggy Dogg

Dear Mr Dogg,

There is a mathematical formula that can be used to determine the time accurate to within a gnat's ass of finite: T=LWH. More specifically, the longer the dog, the longer it takes. For instance, it would require considerably more time for pizza to pass through a dachshund than say, a miniature poodle. Perhaps you could have one of your drunken coeds measure your own alimentary canal. Tell her to start at the bottom and work up. Please video so that I put it on YouTube.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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