Written by Mister Lagunas
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Friday, 6 April 2007

"I am the lord your God, and you shall have no other gods before me" - 1st commandment. Exodus. Mount Sinai. 3000 B.C.

"You're either with us or against us". Dick Cheney, as narrated by George W. Bush.

As any good lawyer would tell you, the first commandment, considered by many to be God's self admission of monotheism, doesn't exactly say that there are no other Gods-it just says you have to worship THE God above all the others. It's an obvious idea, so why don't we hear that opinion espoused more commonly? The problem is that lawyers, much like vampires, instantly combust into flames upon being touched by the scriptures, so no one is left to question the exact meaning of what the first commandment is really saying. Thankfully I am here to pick up the slack.

What if there are other gods? What would it mean to us? Most immediately, it could mean that we all owe Tom Cruise a huge apology. Perhaps not only is his god just as real as the Christian God, but it is also far worse at marketing. Who are we to fault scientology's Lord Xenu for thinking it good advertising practice to appear in a spaceship to a select group of people and claim that to attain salvation, everyone has to pay you thousands of dollars? I believe the Spanish tried a similar experiment in South America, and that didn't turn out so poorly for them. True, it might not be as attention grabbing as sending your only son to perform logic defying miracles before being strung up to die for the sins of all mankind, but let's be honest, what is? Plus, even if Xenu had tried the same thing as God, it never pays to be the second man to the market. The only thing Xenu did wrong was misjudge the elasticity of people's willingness to give money to crackpot causes-if he had done something even this less crazy, he could have earned WAY more followers.

You're probably asking yourself, "well, that's mildly amusing, but where are you headed with all of this?", to which my only response can be, "to hell". You see, if we question such things as the first commandment, God clearly says we go to hell. And that's what we call monopoly power. Although some of the other gods out there might be more forgiving, they barely hold a 10% market share, so because the Christian God is the largest buyer of souls in the market, he gets to set the existential toll for questioning his tenants. In that way, God is kind of like Wal-Mart, only with less smiles and even worse employee benefits (for a more complete discussion of God's labor practices, see An Unabridged History of the Jewish People).

Perhaps that is the real reason why America's Republican Party loves God so much. It has nothing to do with consolidating their power base by hypocritically pandering to value based voters-in reality, they've just bonded with God over an unhealthy love of a completely de-regulated marketplace. They get their tax cuts and oil kickbacks, and He gets to set the going rate for the price of souls. In the end, it's all just the same old Economics.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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