Written by Ray Bellew
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Wednesday, 29 October 2014

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I'm thinking about getting cremated. Well, not today. I think I'll wait until I'm dead. But here's a little fun fact about cremation: You can have your ashes mailed to a loved one.

I don't think so. My ashes would get lost in the mail and I would have to file a missing ash report. Hold on, Cousin Willie, I know what you're thinking. You would replace the letter h in the word ash with the the letter s and file THAT kind of report.

Here's another fun fact about cremation. If your dog dies, you can have it cremated, and there's a company that will turn the ashes into a diamond. It could cost you up to $15,000 to wear Fido on your finger. However, every time your finger starts wagging, you will know that Fido is thinking of you.

Okay, ready for another fact? I didn't think so, but here we go anyway. If you have a pacemaker, make sure you have somebody take it out before you are cremated. If you don't, you will explode. I think it's the heat. The temp gets up to about 2000 degrees. And yes, it is a dry heat, but you are still going to explode. However, if you are a practical joker, by all means, let your pacemaker do its thing.

One more, and that's it. I promise. The inside of a cremation chamber looks a lot like the inside of a pizza oven. So, if I decide on cremation, just drop me off at the local pizzeria and have the manager send me off with a topping of sausage, mushrooms and pepperoni.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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