Written by Samuel Vargo
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Wednesday, 22 October 2014

image for Judge! Oh Judge! Why are you persecuting me?

I keep getting pornographic emails from some unknown source. I open them up, being that I'm an inquisitive sort. Although I know that you're not supposed to open emails from strangers, because they could have a nasty virus attached, I open them anyway. Call me curious, stupid, impulsive...whatever, I don't know....

One was slugged: Red, White & Blue: This Judge Is Here for You!. It included a photo of some guy with his head blotted out because he has a black judge's robe on, pulled up to his shoulders and covering his head. And this dark figure is apparently having sex with what looks to be a male goat. It was so fuzzy and grainy that I just don't know. It could have been a photo of a murder of crows in a tree. Who knows?

Gawd! It was so disgusting that for a second, I thought of pouring kerosene all over my PC and setting it aflame. Although I wouldn't even want to speculate who sent this nasty thing my way, I have my suspicions. I think it came from the Pennsylvania Supreme Court offices, of all places! Yes, I truly believe this thing was emailed to me by none other than Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice Seamus McCaffery. Seedy Seamus, according to many reports that surfaced this week, has a fetish for sending out emails of a very salacious and licentious nature.

According to TribLive News, but with a dash of color commentary from this writer, too: The Pennsylvania Supreme Court on Monday (Oct. 20), suspended Justice Seamus McCaffery with pay. The 60-something, high-profile, powerful judge has been sending and receiving 234 emails containing pornographic photographs or videos. Read more: http://triblive.com/news/adminpage/6999531-74/mccaffery-emails-castille#ixzz3GsnPnHTZ

Instead of setting my computer on fire, I simply closed the vile email and deleted it. Then another email appeared that was slugged This One Will Get Your Goat. After opening this horrible thing, I saw some guy with his head blotted out. Again, he was wearing a black robe pulled up over his neck. This time it was an encapsulated video with an arrow at its center enclosed in a circle. The stark silhouette representing jurisprudence was with at least two dozen baby goats and nine or 10 full-grown sheep. The animals were confined to what looked to be a factory farm holding pen. They looked terrified! What horrible sounds they must have bleated, if I actually had clicked on this arrow to play this horrible thing. And sticking out to the right of the "start arrow" was the sexual perpetrator's stiff penis, pointed at these little farm cuties. If this isn't a case of cruel and unusual punishment, what in the fucking hell is! were the words that shotgun blasted through my skull as I slammed my fist down on my PC's delete key.

"Seamus, if that's you on that video portal, you're a monster!" I bellowed.

"Holy Jeepers Creepers! It's almost Halloween but who in the hell needs this crazy shit! Those poor sheep and goats! Why?! Why oh why?!" my neighbor Jacko screamed.

Jacko was peering over my shoulder at the PC screen. He stopped by to borrow some ice cubes. God, he's such a pest! And he's the meanest misfit in the tenement house.

*****

Whatever this horrible thing clicking and clacking away actually may be who's spamming me with all this horrid pornography, he's certainly a monster. Of course, I cannot say for sure that it's Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice Seamus McCaffery, but he's been such a serial polluter of smut over the Internet; hey, is it wrong not to consider him on my suspect list? Am I jumping to conclusions here? I don't know. But he's been responsible for whacking out an unbelievable amount of sordid and libidinous photos and videos. I allege that it's him. Yes, I allege it might indeed be this Seamus McCaffery character, and I can allege all day if I want to, judging from the actions of this "judge". Anyone who sends out and hungrily receives hundreds of smut electronic correspondences from a judiciary house of worship has no boundaries. He's capable of almost anything.

According to TribLive News: After apologizing last week for a "lapse in judgment," McCaffery, 64, blamed Chief Justice Ronald Castille of the Supreme Court for the disclosure of emails from 2008 and 2009, saying it was "a vindictive pattern of attacks." Castille, 70, had demanded the emails from the attorney general's office after the attorney general this month released sexually explicit emails circulated among former prosecutors. Read more: http://triblive.com/news/adminpage/6999531-74/mccaffery-emails-castille#ixzz3GsqF69B8

Oh I get it, Seamus. Chief Justice Castille is picking on you for your "lapse of judgement" of sending out and receiving 234 pornographic videos over the Internet, right? You're some kind of scapegoat and you're the victim of the Chief Justice's vindication. Well Seamus, leave the poor goats alone, if that is actually you in those hideous photos of bestiality that just happened upon my computer. Of course, I could be wrong, but I have you on a list of suspected serial polluters of such smut. Don't blame me for being an upstanding cyber detective and an Internet deputy dog.

I was confused, disoriented, paranoid and scared after seeing this molester of baby goats - whoever he is - so I turned on and off my PC a few times and even ran a virus scan. Finally, I turned it on again and went to my email account. As soon as I opened it, 37 emails highlighted in red (indicating they hadn't been opened yet) were laying in wait for me. All had little paperclip icons protruding out from them, showing that the emails had attachments.

There was another email in the big batch that was slugged, Here's a Good Jolt!, and in the attached photo is someone - a man or a woman, I don't know which - strapped to an electric chair, naked, and the same nefarious, darkly robed figure from the other photos is jabbing this person with a taser while simultaneously pulling down on the electric chair switch. A skullcap with a long cable is perched on the poor sot's head, who has the misfortune of sitting in that horrible chair and succumbing to Dr. Dread's wrath.

This time the "judge" figure - dressed in a long black robe - is wearing an executioner's hood. The scraggly victim strapped in the electric chair was so emaciated - appearing to be some kind of concentration camp prisoner - that I have no idea of this individual's sex. For all I know it could have been another emaciated goat with its sickly ribs protruding out like rungs on a ladder.

"Welcome to Mother Russia!" I screamed in agony. "This is a photograph of the threshold of hell!"

Looking back, this thing could've actually been a video and not some photo. It could have been a staged electrocution scene! Oh Seamus, if that's you in that horrible video, why? Why did you do such a thing to this poor person? What crime could he or she (or it) have committed to deserve such a fate?

What a nightmare!

Disgusted and boned out with dissolution, I decided to just shut off my PC for a little while. After the thing wend cold and dead, the phone rang. I answered it and some weird voice that sounded like it was beyond the grave greeted me with this nicety: "Hey there, fella. Did you like all those photos I emailed you of me having sexual relations with farm animals? Did you like the torture picture of the electric chair? Why don't you join me down on the farm? Or better yet, why don't I bring the electric chair over to your place? It's a mobile set up."

"Seamus, Seamus, is this you?" I asked.

"Only the shadow knows," came the voice.

"Seamus, if it is you, and I have a right to suspect that it is, you're a very sick man who needs help. With guys like you running around with law degrees making decrees, who needs criminals confined to Supermax prisons?"

"Let's not get too political now. Come on and join me at old McDonald's farm."

"Seamus, if that's you, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is, let me tell you something - having sex with farm animals is outlawed in the great Keystone State. The good people of Pennsylvania don't believe in this sort of thing!"

I hung up the phone. And according to the above-mentioned TribLive News article, The court's order called the material "extremely disturbing" based on Chief Justice Ronald Castille's review of the emails." - So am I wrong in suspecting Seamus McCaffery? Am I? After all, if the court order called the material he's been sending out electronically "extremely disturbing," who in the hell knows what this maniac is capable of doing?

I agree with Pennsylvania Supreme Court Chief Justice Castille: Seamus McCaffery is hardly a scapegoat, if he in fact has been sending and receiving all this electronic filth. He's hardly a victim of some political power play, and nobody's going to buy that crying jag that sending out 234 pornographic emails can be written off as "a lapse of judgement."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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