Written by Samuel Vargo
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Sunday, 19 October 2014

image for Here are 25 things you never want to say on a first date

Here's a list of things you shouldn't say on a first date, particularly if you want a second date. To be nonsexist, I've included some things for the ladies, too. Of course, if you're not interested in the person and want nothing to do with them after the first date, this could be a guide to "what to say on a first date":

1) I had venereal disease a few times, but not to worry, my doctor gave me some shots and I'm fine now. Really, I am.

2) My brother just got out of prison. He's at home right now. I'll introduce you to him when you drop me off.

3) I worship the devil, but only on Wednesdays and Thursdays. On Sundays, I go to church just like everyone else.

4) The other day when I was combing my hair, I found some bugs in there. Creepy crawlers with little claws. Ugh! I poured gasoline all over my skull, then used a conditioner and some shampoo. I think they're gone now.

5) My old boyfriend is the jealous type. He stalks whoever I go out with these days. Huh, lucky me. Or should I say, lucky you.

6) I was in an insane asylum last year, but only for six months. The doctors say I have a slight case of paranoid schizophrenia, but they wrote down on my chart that I'm a true sociopath.

7) My family tree includes a real tree. It's an oak. It's in our back yard. I'll show it to you when we get back to my place.

8) What lovely eyes you have! They look like a fish's eyes, maybe even a parrot's eyes.

9) Maybe after the movie, we can go hang around the graveyard. It's Halloween, silly, don't look so scared!

10) My brother has three sets of teeth. They're all real, too, none of them are false. And his nose was bitten off by a pit bull last year. He looks a little odd, but he's the nicest guy in the world. He'd give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn't want anyone to see his colostomy bag.

11) There's a real rootin' tootin' werewolf in our family tree. But he doesn't live around here. He's in the next county.

12) Did you ever see a UFO? Oh, come on, don't look at me all weird! If we go out again, I'll tell you about my own experiences with UFOs. Did you know I lived in one for over two years?

13) I'm dating 16 guys right now, but I'm only having sex with 14 of them.

14) Do you like my big, brown eyes? They're not real, they're actually made of glass. I'm as blind as a mole.

15) I think one of those characters in a James Patterson book was actually a character sketch of me. In fact, I saw a guy who looked like Patterson watching me for about a year right before that book came out. It only took Patterson about three days to write it after he did all his research. Man, that guy can type awfully fast!

16) I have ten brothers and ten sisters. I'm the only one who has any teeth, or really, a mouth, for that matter!

17) What'da'say after dinner we drive around, knocked down some mailboxes, run naked through the junkyard, kill some mosquitoes and hornets, eat some garbage out of the dumpster, then we'll drink some antifreeze? - Oh, come on! Don't be such a party pooper!

18) I only gave birth three times. The first were a set of twins and the second and third were quintuplets. I'm a single mom looking for a guy with a good job.

19) On that Internet thing where we met, I have some confessions to make. I'm not really a lawyer. I don't even have a job, actually. I'm not financially independent, nope, I have no income whatsoever. And as you can see, I'm not 23, but 63. And I'm not part of the country club, but I do have a Silver Sneakers membership. That's gotta count for something, right?

20) How's about after the movie we throw kitchen knives at each other? Then we can go down to the river and jump off that bridge over the highway. I like adventure.

21) I was the first woman to orbit Pluto. A UFO crashed in my bedroom on August 13 of last year and kidnapped me. I tried to get the film evidence from NASA but the guy there hung up on me. Can you actually believe before he slammed down the phone, he said I was crazy?

22) I raise rattlesnakes and wolves. I'd like to start up a collection of scorpions. I keep them in my house. You can see my pets when you drop me off.

23) Can I use your cell phone? Those stupid police confiscated mine the other day since I'm being investigated for a series of crimes.

24) I was thrown out of the Air Force for cannibalism. They might have just thrown me in the brig for a few days if all my victims weren't high-ranking officers and ace F-14 pilots.

25) I have all sorts of pictures in a scrapbook of sharks, wolves, lions, bears, tarantulas, scorpions, and supernatural demonic creatures. If you want to, you can look at it when you drop me off. You are coming inside, aren't you?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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