Written by Michael Balton
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Tags: New York

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

image for Take The NYC:IQ Quiz... How New Yorkish Are You? You can buy the Brooklyn Bridge or purchase a kilo of heroin. The NYPD is there to assist you.

New Yorkers are made, not born. So no matter where you come from, you can make the greatest city in the world your hometown. Take this quiz to find out how close you are. And remember to pick up after your pooch. It's the law!

1. What was the real reason Michael Bloomberg banned Big Gulp drinks?

A. His fear of drowning.

B. Can't "hold it in" as well as he used to.

C. Confused corn syrup with cough syrup on the ingredients list.

D. Reminds him of that scary "burping" scene in Willy Wonka

2. New York City is…

A. The Heroin Capital Of the World

B. Home to the nation's most accomplished pastry chefs.

C. Ruled by a Governor who thinks that powdered sugar is a gateway drug.


3. An A train is traveling downtown at 33 mph, skipping the 42nd St. station. A C train is heading uptown at 26 mph, near W. 4th St. Which subway line is infested with bedbugs?

A. The A train. Bedbugs are always in a hurry.

B. To hell with the bedbugs. The motorman is hooked on powdered sugar.

C. This is a trick question. de Blasio lowered the subway speed limit to 10 mph, as part of his This Is All Going Too Fast for Me, Guys, Program.

4. What should you do if you fall on the subway tracks?

A. If you're carrying an umbrella, use it to short out the third rail, which will stop the trains. If it's a sunny day, the optimists have won, but you're out of luck.

B. Roll around to crush as many bedbugs as you can.

C. Be sure to get your Metro card validated on the way out. You are entitled to a free round-trip for every limb severed.


5. From where did the Donald get that hair?

A. It's transplanted from the skull of Philomena the Virgin - - the patron saint of pig tails.

B. It has been harvested from a secret order of Tibetian nuns. And not from their heads either.

C. It's actually spun Kevlar, the material used to manufacture bulletproof vests. Trump has been known to shoot himself in the foot. His Kevlar toupe will protect him if he aims any higher.


6. The banks and brokerages of Wall Street were fined billions for fraud and misappropriation of funds. Yet not one financial executive has been sent to prison. How come?

A. They tricked Martha Stewart into serving their time.

B. That's all water under the bridge. Unless you signed up for one of our American Scheme Mortgages. Then your home is financially underwater and the bridge you use to get to it is about to be destroyed by the next hurricane.

C. The World Economy is actually being run as a giant pyramid scheme by Bernie Madoff.

D. That Jedi mind control trick really works.

7. Which New York team has the highest propensity for choking during high stress plays.

A. The New York Mets

B. The New York Jets

C. The New York Police Department

8. Why is the city building a new water supply tunnel?

A. Wants to corner the recycled urine market.

B. The term Big Gulp was available.

C. Plans to turn Rikers Island into the next SeaWorld.

[Don't look for the correct answers here. True New Yorkers act as if they know all the answers, all the time. And they're not talking. Guess you're out of luck, pal.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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