Here's some great tips to help you get the best out of life when running on a limited budget.
1. Don't holiday abroad. Book a caravan in your local caravan park, and come home to cook meals cheaply.
2. Take a six-pack of supermarket brand beer into the pub with you, and buy only one beer in the pub. Then instead of ordering more drinks, just top up your own from the can. You'll save a fortune.
3. When wiping your arse, use two sheets, not one. It makes it less likely that the poo will seep through onto your fingers.
4. Don't waste your money on fancy supermarket sandwiches. Just two slices of bread and a third of a tin of baked beans makes the perfect tasty and nutritious lunch.
5. Cut the heads off all the ladies in your porn magazines and swap them around, to keep the pictures exciting for longer. To make ladyboy porn, swap the heads with those of a gay adult magazine.
6. Speaking of which, always read your porn magazines through a piece of glass or window pane to avoid unnecessary stickiness on the pages.
7. Got hard to remove broken glass ground into your carpet or rug? Easy! Just turn the carpet over and the glass need not trouble anyone. (You can only do this once).
8. Make your own toothpaste. All you need is some whipped cream, mint flavouring, and a thickening agent such as cane sugar.
9. Make pants last twice as long between washing by wearing them inside out. And then back to front. Keep a note of which way you have worn them by writing on the label with a felt tip, which will wash off next time you clean them.
10. Want to remove the worry and irritation of bed bugs? Just sleep on the sofa every night.
11. Get a part-time job as a bus driver on your regular commuting route to work. You'll never need to pay the fare again.
12. Struggling to pay your rent? Simply commit a very serious criminal offence and get free bed and board for life.
13. Don't worry if you haven't saved enough money for a pension. Nobody else has either.
14. If you think your wife is cheating on you, then don't throw away money hiring a private detective. All you need to do is hack into her email/phone/fax machine and all will be made clear.
15. Can't be bothered to iron your clothes? Then don't.
16. Not earning enough money at work? Threaten your boss with a hitman - who can often be hired at a discount rate to do a "scaring". You'll get that raise in no time.
17. If your car breaks down, don't go to all the hassle of fixing it. Sell it and buy a bus and charge people to go where you want to go.
18. Save on water bills by storing your old bathwater in kettles. Next time you want a bath, just switch them all on. (But don't switch them all on at once, it might blow a fuse).
19. Don't waste money on pesky autopsies. Get a DIY kit and a quality anatomical book/magazine/pamphlet and you can do it yourself.
20. Never throw away old furniture. Take it to a woodchipper and sell the sawdust to hamster-owners. They always need some and will pay.