Written by FBI-AL
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Tuesday, 12 August 2014

image for Salmond's Scotland For Independence typical happy scot

Mr Salmond found the time out of his busy schedule to speak to ace Spoof reporter FBI AL over questions he is messing with 'The Union' purely to get his name in the history books.

"Well of course it's nothing to do with me getting my name in lights or in the history books as the man who tried or succeeded in making Scotland an independent nation," said Salmond, "and in no way am I laying the ground works to run it like a dictatorship from eastern Europe in the early nineties run by me and me alone."

I remarked that there is a lot of people who live in Scotland who also think that he is just trying to leave a legacy against his name.

"No of course not," Mr Salmond Replied, "I'm sure that as soon as or if we manage to gain our independence as a country in the 5-10 years, possibly longer before we join the EU I will in no way lay the foundations for myself to become the dictator of a small country previously known as Scotland…"

That's not quite what I was getting at I interjected but Mr Salmond continued, "….and anyway those wee gobshites will soon shut there haggis holes when I definitely don't run the country like a small peninsula North of South Korea with all that power I could (but definitely won't) supress them all and run the country into the ground and put statues up of myself everywhere - obviously to help the country Salmondland….er er Scotland to prosper."

"Ok, what about the Trident issues?", I asked.

"Well obviously England will want to relocate them if we are successful in MY bid for er MY er OUR independence to Portsmouth or somewhere but they will need to be quick as the amnesty for the English ends five minutes after our independence at which point all English property becomes Scottish HA HA HA HA, oh that did sound a little dictatorial or a wee bit genocidey but in all seriousness the amnesty ends two minutes after independence is declared in Salmonland."

"You mean Scotland," I venture.

"Erm...HA, HA, HA, yes of course that's what I mean!"

As this humble reporter left the office to Mr Salmonds maniacal laughter I thought good luck Scotland you might just need it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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