Written by CaptainSausage
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Monday, 11 August 2014

image for World War One's Greatest Weapon Today, inflatable toilets have been replaced with prefab open sewers

World War One was a conflict. It featured some of the greatest weapons ever invented, including the first usage of the aeroplane, the tank and the machine gun in a major war.

However, there is one weapon that was used during WW1 which has been largely overlooked, but which probably affected the outcome more than any other. It is of course, the inflatable toilet catapult.

Inflatable toilets were invented in the 1890s by an incontinent latex manufacturer, Jeremy Gush. He combined the waterproof qualities of latex with the comfort and affordability of inflatables to make the first Inflataloos. Queen Victoria herself was said to be a fan.

The toilets were invaluable in the trenches of the Western front, where chronic diarrhoea was rife and plumbing was hard to install. The most amazing thing about the Gush toilet was that after use it could be deflated and then flushed down another inflatable toilet.

It was only a few months after their introduction that an unknown private, who was fed up of working as a toilet deflator, decided to build a catapult to rain down the bouncy sewage-laden thrones onto the Germans.

This began the "brown autumn of 1916", as it became known by the Germans. They began to call the toilets Scheisserbomben and feared them greatly. Many perished simply from the foul odour and the nausea it induced. It was found to be particularly effective against anyone wearing a helmet with a spike on top, and often this caused the toilets to explode on impact.

During that winter, the German high command decided that something had to be done. They created an experimental warfare group who began to fight back with an unusual weapon of their own - exploding horseradish.

This was relatively unsuccessful, and a series of further weapons based on condiments followed, including ketchup missiles, pepper bullets and vinegar being dropped from aircraft. As one plucky Tommy put it, the Western Front was a splendid place to eat chips.

But it was when Herman Garnish of German Experimental Warfare discovered mustard gas that things really began to change. The death tolls from the gas were horrific and the Brits got a taste of their own toilet-based medicine, but in mustard form.

Still, it was Britain who had the last laugh, because they spanked the Kraut and ultimately won the war.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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