Written by blewkarma
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Saturday, 31 March 2007

image for When Harry Met Don 'Bacchanalian Propensities" for the more mature in our ranks.

Now, half way through the 'Stand Up Comedy Boom' Harry decided to cash in on his connections and he opened a Public Relations firm named 'Handled Messiahs INC' but unlike the joke circuit Harry's gift of gab, devilish good looks and sheer tenacity was not enough to land him the highly coveted big named clients. '

' All that changed after he met Don Jon Vonavitch. ' You see, when Harry met Don, Harry had hit it low. He pretty much hit rock bottom having invested everything into his business, and it was failing fast. '

'Now, Don seemed to be privy to all this, and although they were complete strangers at the time, he knew things about Harry that Harry didn't even know himself.

' And the incongruity of his presence was enough to give you the creepy shivers.

He wore dark blind man sunglasses and had gauze bandages wrapped around his face and head appearing as though he was recovering from surgery.

A silk gold scarf about his neck, when faced upon the color he wore, which was maroon, although he was also often dressed in a black Trench Coat with matching Fedora he appeared to be a gentleman of leisure wearing a bespoke, silk, Victorian smoking jacket with wide leather cuffs.

' But it was readily apparent that he had no arms or hands or feet for that matter.

In fact it seemed as if he had no form at all, as if he was invisible. '

'Other wise, of course, he was quite charming in his manners and his speech had a deep thespian quality, upper crusty British in accent, he always addressed Harry as 'My dear Harry' or 'My good fellow'

'He had a bargain he wished to propose.

He would get Harry the biggest name in tinsel stardom if Harry would simply agree to a small gesture of appreciation, a mere 'wetting of his beak '

Harry was to give Don his firstborn daughter. Harry's brain went a ticking and thinking. And it decided yes!

Because he hadn't planned to have any children, let alone daughters, anyway. . , so the deal was made and Harry made a major play soon after, landing the notorious Super Star actor Tom Cross who had recently taken a nosedive in popularity polls among his admirers, due to his having joined a cult religion called 'Crest In Science' which held heretical doctrines counter to the Judeo-Christian origins of creation, also rumors were a flurrying about his sexuality, if you know what I mean, and steroid use and something about his clothing line using undocumented workers, it had the press in a tizzy. 'Harry's remedy and recommendation; he said 'Look Tom, aye see, ahem, we gotta get you married and its gotta be a sweet case of fruit, know what I mean, unspoiled in any way. And you got to have a kid, or two so's the folks in Peoria don't get pissed at you. Its Ok, we're going to fix it all up, don't worry'

And so it was arranged through Harry's girlfriend Annie Foulter, a highly successful Author and Conservative Talk Show Pundit that she would introduce Tom to her old dorm roommate at Yale, Katie Holm stead who happened to be the daughter of Rupert Holm stead, Publisher of that venerable New York tabloid, MPT, Moloch The Plutocracy.

The two met one evening on a double date with Harry and Annie at Guilty Pleasures, a Burlesque speakeasy 'the place to seen. '

They hit it off immediately and Katie's boyish looks didn't hurt either.

She was lanky, tall and she wore a navy-blue pinstriped mans double-breasted suit.

The wedding became a media circus masquerading as ordinary life and it was at this time that Harry became fully aware of the devil's bargain he had struck.

'But when it came to the fathering part Tom didn't have it in him, if you get my drift, perhaps the steroids or undocumented workers or just blame it on Mother Nature, regardless it was a no show.

So Harry, perhaps out of desperation, one evening fate-raped Katie who was heavenly sedated when they were alone in his office and weeks later the announcement went out to the press that Katie was preggers. '

And nine months later at the appropriate time and place, a Hilton Hotel, under the star of a 'Carl Juniors' fast food restaurant, in of all places, Peoria, the child was introduced to the world and she was named Crest Angel Del Cross.

It was a grand slam, out of the park, success and Harry started raking it in but he would soon be raking out more then he bargained for.

Yes the gig was up and Don was due for a visit. You see, 10 years after the birth of their daughter Crest Angel Del Cross, Tom and Katie were victims of a terrible hunting accident with details to ory to go into and Harry became Crest's Legal Guardian. Harry and she had become quite attached.

' Crest Angel had become quite the disaffected youth, she ran away when she was seventeen and became an artist living on the streets of Greenwich Village scouring dumpsters for Found Art shunning her parents religion and philosophy, indeed all the Worlds religions and philosophies saying,

'there are far too many religions and philosophies for man to follow;'

and so she decided to start her own, she called it Funk Shui, or translated the way of funk.

Harry last saw Crest, Angel on that fateful day, when in the lobby of The Chelsea Hotel, men in 'White Coat's', carted her off; to a Bellevue, Psychiatric Ward, he never had the courage to see her again.

It was lsd, blotter Acid,

Taken over several weeks, an undetermined, massive, dosage that caused her demise.

A friend of a friend, in from the West Coast, had brought ample stock to New York in the spring of 1984.

Very cheap and effective, as he recalled, a dollar bought a sheet with ten mild level dosages, "hit's" they called them. Crest Angel had purchased hundreds of sheets, and commenced to consuming several sheets a day. This lasted for two or three weeks.

She'd been writing a book, or so she said, something about, dungeons, dragons, and knights, in white armor and as she'd explain her daily writings, during evening conversations, they began to juxtapose with her blotter hallucinations.

The two became indistinguishable, finally, resulting with Crest Angel appearing, one day, like sa Joan Of Arc, ' fully decked out in a suit of armor, sword in hand, proclaiming, to all that passed through the lobby of the Chelsea, that she was the 'Keeper of the Gates' or some such rubbish.

Needless to say, the 'Keeper's' of the loony bin came to take her away.

The last correspondence that Harry received was when Crest, Angel who was "rescued" from the clutches of the shrinks by a far flung renegade sect, called Skunk Shui, rumored to have formerly belonged to a biker chapter of the Merced ca. Hell's Angels division now held up somewhere in the hills of Hampshire Tennessee. It read as follows:

Bacchanalian Propensities Current mood: Unconcerned

So, Jack rabbit, artist or designer. you think that you have learned a clever thing or two about the nature of de-constructive creative forces and the myrid forms in which you may manifest them.

So, what is to be said about the function that must follow? For after all this is about your living space and live life to the fullest, you must.

Here, perhaps a few words on order, (in the kitchen) and how it might apply to the Funk Shui lifestyle are needed

(unless the only order that you wish is "take out" for the rest of your days. )

Now before I begin, a brief digression. I was an ardent follower of Josh Amatore Hughs, for many years and his (dare I say) movement that is sweeping the landscape, even as I write and what I'll call, his Punk Shui "method" of design, for lack of a better definition.

However I have since parted ways, if only on the small nuances, and have started a much smaller but ever growing denomination called Funk Shui, of which I am, the only living member.

Here I will attempt to describe to you, the sensitive enough to make refined judgments and distinctions artist, some of the finer subtleties of which I speak and how they may apply to "Your Party Life" for the younger set or'Bacchanalian Propensities" for the more mature in our ranks.

All subordinates and members of both factions do agree, it must be noted, on the firm belief that every object on which we glance our artistic eye, to do our art for arts sake, must be freed from its former subservient role.

For instance a high school desk chair shot through with holes with a police issued Glock is a valid artistic endeavor,

(Please not in the city limits and make sure that it is wiped of all finger prints and returned to it's rightful licensed owner) however it must never support another derriere again. (No matter how "sweet" it is. )

A sofa waiting to be torn asunder by an over zealous hacker with a saw, must never be urinated upon and left to stand in the hot sun for more then three (3) days.

(Punk and Funk Shui advocates do not adhere to the practice of urinating on any household object.

This practice lies clearly in the domain of the far flung renegade sect, called Skunk Shui, rumored to have formerly belonged to a biker chapter of the Merced ca. Hell's Angels division with who I am now held, up somewhere in the hills of Hampshire Tennessee.

They justify this abhorring savagery with the claim that the sofas make excellent wedding gifts.

The question then begs to be asked what is proper etiquette in Punk or Funk Shui.

For example young Josh and his followers think that on acquiring old and discarded lavatory receptacles

(toilet bowels for the uninitiated)

that it is perfectly fine, to clean them out, with simple dollar store detergents and use them to present corn chips and cheese dip at your next event.

On this matter the Funk Shui follower is viscerally disgusted, if only purely from a hygienic standpoint.

However we (i) believe that they do make excellent white wine or champagne chillers.

Again on the use of formerly subservient to the bourgeois, bathroom soap dishes

(Oh, yes they can be had now, for a song at any local Good Will Store)

the strict follower of Punk Shui would use it as a soup bowl, where as, the less stringent, Funk Shui disciple can only imagine its use as an ash tray or perhaps for hard wrapped candy but never for mere soap ever.

We will cover the disgusting habit of smoking (cigarettes) in another chapter.

Again it's all about proper hygiene.

And now I'll leave you with a food recipe for your next Punk or Funk Shui festivity.

This bodes well for all members of either persuasion who are diametrically opposed to the use of Refrigerators

The Eternal Pot of Stew (For a large gathering)

270onions

170 carrots

80 sticks of celery

50 lbs of potato's

A whole lotto beef the more the merrier

(leave out when serving Vegans or burn to a crisp and just tell them it's wood chip stew)

Fresh Parsley, basil and oregano

(See Punk Shui for dummy gardeners, Random House Publishers)

Salt and pepper to taste

Prepare and place in an extremely large crock-pot

(or a lavatory receptacle if you must be sure that it is fully heat tempered ceramic or it may crack)

Bring to a slow simmer and replenish as needed forever and ever.

This stew must never simmer below 160 degrees Fahrenheit.

Again I shall not over stress that cleanliness is next to godliness. )

Thank you and have a much more pleasant tomorrow.

I am sincerely

Crest Angel

Warning: The fda or any other health organizations for that matter, do not endorse this author's opinions on hygienic cleanliness Vegans wishing to file a complaint can do so by sending themselves a self addressed stamped envelope and

therefore It will remain in the utmost confidentiality

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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