In an exclusive interview with your intrepid Spoof sports correspondent, Paxton Quigley, at a secret refuge for battered men, Nicola Adams' partner William Anchor revealed the hell which has been his life since he began living with the Olympic and Commonwealth gold medal winning boxer and which finally persuaded him to leave for his safety.
WA: "Nando's. Bloody Nando's chicken. That's all I ever get to eat since after winning at London 2012 Nicola told the world that she wanted to go to Nando's. Next thing I knew she told me they had given her free piri piri chicken for life. Jesus. Take away, eat-in, day after day nothing but Nando's. I'm not even allowed to sniff when I pass a KFC or McDonald's."
PQ: "God, that's awful. I don't mind a bit of medium spicy breast, but I do hanker after getting my teeth into a quarter pounder now and again."
WA: "But that's not the worst of it. At first the sex was great, the best ever until Nicola got those medals. Now I dread it when she gets home from training. I have to be ready and waiting, dressed in my protective headgear, boxing gloves, boots and those ridiculous big shiny shorts. The minute she comes through that front door, she's at me. She punches me to the floor and jumps on me. Bloody hell, I have to go the full three 4-minute rounds with her on top, slapping and punching me, shouting "seconds out", "break" and occasionally "standing count" and when she rings the bell if I don't finish off on time she gives me a thunderous left hook."
WA: "All this while she's wearing her medals, completely naked and still shiny and sweating from the gym. Can you imagine it?"
PQ: "Now you mention it, it's difficult not to."