Written by Samuel Vargo
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Thursday, 31 July 2014

image for Wendy's Redhead Lady to Anchor 24-hour-a-day Sharkfest Channel

LOS ANGELES - A new cable channel that only features the lives and day-in and day-out behavior of every species of shark will be anchored all day and night, every day, by the Wendy's Redhead Lady.

"I just got sick and tired of saying 'Now that's better' at the end of every commercial. It gets really old after a while," the woman, who is known by no other name except for 'The Wendy's Redhead Lady,' told this reporter at a nondescript McDonald's restaurant located somewhere in South-Central Los Angeles recently.

When asked if she cared to share her real name, the Wendy's Redhead Lady chirped in soprano, "That information's super-duper top secret. I cannot divulge it.'"

"I mean you get trapped into a stereotype, you know? I'm still quite young and there are more things to do except saying 'Now that's better'. Sure, there might be a little something down the line in a few years, maybe for a coffee company. I'll take a sip and say, 'Now that's bitter'," she said.

"While I'm anchoring the Sharkfest Channel, I'd like to get into some serious acting roles. I think I'd do a good job of playing a really tough-lady detective who is on the hunt for psycho killers, perverts, bank robbers, and Ponzi scheme manipulators," the Wendy's Redhead Lady said as she was wolfing down three Big Macs and savagely nibbling on a large order of fries.

The Sharkfest Channel, which came about as a multi-effort of FOX News, OWN, Destination America, NASCAR Racing Forever Inc., Facebook Friends of Larry the Cable Guy, and the radical and militant scientific group Magalodon Is Alive and Well in the God Blessed United States of America!!!, is set to have its initial broadcast Aug. 16.

If things pan out, even long-extinct varieties of sharks will make appearances on the Sharkfest Channel, particularly Megalodan.

The show's producers and backers believe that this shark, believed to have gone extinct even a few years before the Ronald Reagan years, is still swimming around in the ocean somewhere.

"We know if we shake around the waters enough, that big-tooth shark Megalodon is bound to turn up sooner or later," said Fred McIntire, President of Magalodon is Alive and Well in the God Blessed United States of America!!!.

"What's a Magalodon look like? Well, you just take a great white shark and expand the garsh-blasted thing a good 100 or 200 times and there you have it - a Magalodon," McIntire explained.

"The thing's twice as big as a Navy destroyer and it's twice as prehistoric. The monster's got incisors the size of Boeing 747s," he said.

The first broadcast of the Sharkfest Channel will feature eight loud, rowdy, drunk, silly, and stupid fraternity brothers from a large state university in the Midwest who will be dipped into the waters off South Africa. They will be held in a cage and all around them will be schools of great white sharks in the middle of a feeding frenzy.

"It should be a good one to start off the Sharkfest Channel in high gear," said Rufus L. Linglear, a spokesman for OWN. "People just can't get enough of sharks. They love sharks.

"They tune in to any kind of show that features sharks. If they could, they'd even adopt a shark or two. They really would. They'll stay up until 2, 3, or 4 in the morning just to watch a show about sharks," he continued.

"Oprah thought it up herself, this Sharkfest Channel thingamajig," Linglear explained. "Oprah had insomnia one night after a long day's work and she was wondering what people would like to see on the premiere of the Sharkfest Channel, which she thought up a week before, when she had another bout of insomnia."

"That first episode, the initial pilot, was shot over spring break earlier this year, and luckily, none of the frat rats were eaten by those nasty sharks, but a few of them sure came close," the Hollywood exec said.

The Wendy's Redhead Lady's schedule is for her to work every day, around the clock. No other TV personalities will be behind the camera.

Those close to the deal claim she signed her contract for $2 million for the first year. The Wendy's Redhead Lady will work indefatigably, just because, to use her own words, "I'm just that kind of girl."

"I'll take little cat naps in between times when the sharks aren't running the studio. There will be some time to wolf down a hamburger or two. Sure, it'll be stressful, but that's just show biz," the petite, cute-as-a-button, reality show host said, with that crazy little laugh of hers.

"It's a tall order, but someone had to do it," she said, adding with that flirtatious little laugh, "And I'll never have to say 'Now that's better,' except, of course, if Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh get eaten by a shark somehow."

"And if they are, we'll be there," she asserted.

Telly Bruno Pierce, President of Facebook Friends of Larry the Cable Guy, said, "We love the Wendy's Redhead Lady. Right now, she's America's darling and is about as hot as an IHOP all-ya'-kin-eat-breakfast extravaganza in some down-homey place. And we're gonna have 'er covering a lot more than just hamburger specials and chirping, 'Now that's better', that's fer shore."

When asked if he was serious or joking, Pierce snorted, "I'm serious as a buzzard on a hot tin roof, man! Jest git yoreself the hell on ou't'a'hair. This blasted interview's over!!!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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