Because it's the World Cup Final this weekend, we asked a number of celebrities to tell us who their top World Cup XI would be if they could choose anyone or anything to be on the team. We then imagined what would happen if they actually played each other.
Reverend Timothy Pulpit selected a diverse group of objects. In the midfield he had church and gay marriage; on the left wing, Jesus, and on the right, Satan - "not because I'm a fan, but to remind us of evil." In attack he selected Pele and confusingly, a football - technically only one ball is allowed on the pitch but an exception can be made if one ball is actually a player. He chose an interesting defence of cats, clouds, tickling and jam; and in goal, a cup of tea.
In our imaginary play-offs, the reverend's team lost in the semi-finals to journalist and book reviewer John Book. He chose an eclectic list of famous personalities and esoteric concepts for his team, including Socrates at full back, the Marquis de Sade on the wing, and a bookshop in the middle.
Football commentator Geoff Goal took the idea a bit more literally, suggesting a team of 11 machine gun-like cannon which were capable of firing footballs. Although undoubtedly it would make an exceptionally good football team, it didn't show the imagination of other entries, so he lost the other semi-final to social commentator and famous opinion-giver on numerous TV shows Stuart Peeve.
Peeve went on to win the competition, with his incredible choices of a pork pie in midfield, a starving orphan in defence, and the concept of mortality in goal. His own ego was at wing back, playing just behind irony. On the other side, property prices and a dead chimpanzee provided a thought-provoking attack. Making up the team were a piece of excrement ("because we all do it"), an automated checkout machine, Jeremy Kyle and a copy of the Daily Star. Truly a classic team who anyone would love to watch.
Who would you put on your World Cup XI of absolutely anything? Why not tell us here at TheSpoof? Just email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll publish the best ones online.