After Kanye West was overheard complaining that the toilet paper on the Eurostar train was "too scratchy" for his arse, we tracked him down to find out how much of a bell end he really is.
He was carried in on the backs of sixteen golden retrievers while church music was played at an ear splitting volume. A large silver hand descended from the sky (we had been ordered to remove our roof for the interview) and gently plucked him from the backs of the dogs. It moved elegantly across the room before depositing him on a bed with a mattress stuffed with child's hair.
We went to begin the interview and he raised a solitarily finger and it's majesty silenced us. We waited for days before we were allowed to continue with the interview.
So Mr West how's it going?
I am like the ocean calm for now but concealing great depths, soulful, morrowful and destructive. I sway with the tides but unlike the sea I control the moon.
Of course....wait did you say you can control the moon?
Metaphorically in the same way you would peel back the wrappings of a chocolate bar, I peel back the layers of convention and create what some call music. Yet it ranks among the highest art in the world.
What like The Sunflowers? They look like a kids done em. Terrible, terrible things ruined our high.
No one can achieve a true sense of high until you have sampled my music in liquid form. Like a entity moving through all the realms of consciousness, my music permeates society in a way never felt before. I am food for the soul.
Like a pizza?
So go on then Kanye what's it like being with Kim. We can't imagine the conversation is much good but that ass. Come on that's not real is it? CGI surely?
Kim is my trophy, my vessel and through her I will create my lineage my heir. The one who will take my crown-
A crown suddenly appeared on his heads. Were sure it wasn't there before but then again it was the morning and we had been drinking so anything was possible.
-and lead my empire into a new golden age.
So what's she like in bed then? You can tell us, we won't tell anyone, no-one ever reads these things anyway.
You don't understand, I do not sully my soul by putting pieces of me inside other people.
So you haven't had sex with her?
Of course not, I've never had sex with anyone, I am beyond sex.
You haven't really got a grasp on how to "create a heir" then (neither did we, God it's been so long!) have you?
Of course I have. I am collecting genetic samples from the greatest thinkers of our time. When the time is right Kim will begin to carry-
Hang on don't you already have a kid? Called Compass or something?
There did seem to be another voice nearby the other night but I put it down to my creativity being so big it had developed it's own lips and lungs.
Nope dude that's your kid....Kanye? Kanye?
He had vanished like a builder when you realise he hasn't connected any of your pipes.