Written by Khizr
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Sunday, 6 July 2014

I get the feeling that people don't fully appreciate Brazilian striker Fred's value to the team, his team-mates, or really anyone who might have ever been in his presence. Those closest to the man have described themselves as being truly enlightened when in his presence. Really anyone fortunate enough to have graced his presence has described the experience as truly spiritual. It's also no coincidence that he looks like the head of a drug cartel, the look was created when Pablo Escobar had a vision in which he saw Fred lying on sand dune-like coke piles wearing nothing but aviators with Ray-Man painted on, staring straight into the eyes of Escobar (Escobar did acknowledge that he could not be sure about this as Fred had his shades on, but he was fairly certain this was the case) and whispering 'Follow your heart Pablito.'

Now look, there will always be the skeptics who might bring up Fred's shocking miss against Mexico or the tumble against Cameroon where he looked like he thought he was on the beach, swimming his way into the goal with the beach ball. To those inferior minds I assure you, had he wanted to he could have easily put the ball into the net using the well-honed telekinesis skills he has developed by watching the Matrix (including an impressive 9 Matrix-Marathon sessions), but opted for the classy route; trying to score while doing the worm. The influence he has on the rest of the squad, should by no means by underestimated, he's the older, wiser uncle to guys like Neymar, Oscar, and even Hulk. They couldn't put into words if they tried the warm, fuzzy feeling they get when Uncle Fred is called upon his promise to tell them stories of his adventures as Frederico Chaves while going about with his aim to impregnate every female in Lyon. After completing this goal, Fred of course walked out on the club in 2009 - you know when Fred's done with you.

The aura he brings to this Brazil team, not considered to be one of the great Brazil sides, is there for all to see. Whether it was the game against Chile, where he made his way to the beach by the stadium after being subbed off, to do lines off strippers, only to be back in time to join in the post-match celebrations - it is indeed a sin to miss out on a party.
That is why Brazil will win this World Cup, not because they're at home, not because of that skinny little chicken-haired boy - Because.Fred.Is.

And if there was any doubt of the respect Fred commands amongst his colleagues, here's Neymar and Marcelo transporting Fred across the training ground as per Fred's instructions. I understand the caption says Neymar and Marcelo 'pranked' Fred, but you tell me who's doing the work and who's doing the pranking. Amateurs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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