Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 24 June 2014

image for It's Pope Francis vs. the Eight Ball in a know-it-all shootout It's not who you know. It's what you know.

New York City - What does Pope Francis have in common with The Magic Eight Ball? They both are infallible, possessing the magical ability of always providing the right answer at the right time.

But there is one question that they haven't examined: who between the two is the smartest? The ball? Or the bishop? The Institute for the Intensely Intelligent recently conducted an Infallibility Face-Off to find out. Following are some excerpts:

Moderator: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
Magic Eight Ball: Ask again later. I'm enjoying the music.
Pope Francis: 262,879. But I wouldn't call it dancing. It looks more like the turkey shoot from Hell.
Advantage: Magic Eight Ball

Moderator: What about Hell? Is it the heat or the humidity?
Magic Eight Ball: Outlook not so good. Bring suitable clothing
Pope Francis: Hell was developed as a scare tactic. You know, join with us or you'll go straight to hell. But that threat has lost its impact. We've hired the PR shop that created Dick Cheney to make it relevant again. If you're looking for a hellish newsworthy event, Judgment Day is going to be here before you know it.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Will the second coming of Christ occur during this century?
Magic Eight Ball: Cannot predict now. I have to get a peek at His calendar.
Pope Francis: Oh Christ is coming, all right. But He's only bringing those non-leavened wafers. I don't know what you people have against yeast. If you're attending, you may want to pack a lunch.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Will Hillary Clinton ever be president of the United States?
Magic Eight Ball: I just finished her book, now I'm reading between the lines on her face. Try again later.
Pope Francis: By the time she decides to run only 17 states will be left. The others will have been sold off for fracking.
Advantage: Magic Eight Ball

Moderator: Will Chelsea Clinton ever be Pope?
Magic Eight Ball: Is the Pope Chelsea? Very doubtful.
Pope Francis: Ha-ha - female clergy. What are the chances? Nun.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Turning to sports, when are the Mets going to have a winning season?
Magic Eight Ball: Outlook not good.
Pope Francis: Sorry. This is about infallibility. Miracles are a different story.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Is God planning another great flood, like he unleashed on Noah?
Magic Eight Ball: Not tonight, I have date with a cue ball.
Pope Francis: Yes. The greatest flood is yet to come. But this time, no big rescue projects. In fact, He's only saving a petri dish of pond scum. The thinking is the Earth will be better ruled by an amoeba regime than by a concept that was poison in the box office.
Advantage: Magic Eight Ball

Moderator: Will they ever find a purpose for the International Space Station?
Magic Eight Ball: You may rely on it.
Pope Francis: Agreed. As soon as its air supply runs out, it will become the main location for the final "Hangover" sequel. Heads up to cast members: Bring your own oxygen.
Advantage: Pope

Overall winner and infallibility champion: Pope Francis
"I saw that coming," Pope Francis proclaimed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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