Ben O. Verbitch asks: Auntie Jean, After having won second prize in a hamper competition consisting of 100kg of radioactive canned spinach, I rubbed some of it on my testicles and now I have the wedding tackle of an elephant.
Auntie Jean Advises : This is terrible. See a surgeon and then try to dump the radioactive spinach in several public litter bins. Failing that put it on your garden gnomes to make lichen patina ageing happen - typically about a month to wait and you won't need solar lights any more as the whole garden will be visible from the Fucking International Space Station.
Take it to a vegan restaurant and accept any cash for it. Post it to Paul McCartney but with a "Do not smoke" notice on it. If all else fails try to get rid of it in a Sushi Restaurant fish tank - they will think it is fish dirt and clean it out. You should really. call the Police and Fire Brigade before doing any of this though. I hope things work out O.K. for you, Ben.