Written by Kirby Hancock
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Saturday, 24 May 2014

image for Twelve Good Reasons to Keep Smoking Got a light, sailor?

From medical professionals to friends and family, armed with a stockpile of statistics, smokers are increasingly bombarded with unsolicited advice to stop smoking. And on top of that we have a plethora of new laws prohibiting smoking in public places, private places, and places where no one could breathe anyway but are deemed areas too dangerous for the release of second-hand smoke.

So, to even things out, The Institute of Smoking Experts, a non-profit enterprise based in a secluded, unincorporated area of Kentucky, has compiled a list of 12 very good reasons to keep on lighting up.

1. Will always have something handy to give homeless people in lieu of spare change.
2. Makes coffee taste good; makes really crummy food taste okay.
3. No need to have your car windows tinted; yellow film acts as a sunscreen.
4. People will give you plenty of room on the sidewalk; not only strangers, who will cross the street the second they spot you puffing away, but your friends and neighbors who are equally fearful of dropping over dead from inhaling a wisp of second-hand smoke.
5. Something to look forward to when you're close to running out: plan your whole day around a trip to the cigarette store.
6. You get your own little fenced-in area at crowded stadiums and fairs-like a corral for lepers-where you can mingle with the other lepers and forge lasting friendships.
7. You can go outside on your break at work without being accused of theft.
8. Your kids' old art and craft projects can be turned into decorative ashtrays.
9. You can cough a lot and hack up big brown loogies without being asked: "Why don't you go to the doctor?"
10. Makes exercise pointless or even dangerous, eliminating the need for expensive gym memberships and exercise equipment that takes up space in your closet and under your bed-stuff that nobody ever uses anyway.
11. Able to quickly start a fire in the wilderness after you get lost when the sun goes down.
12. Keeps your weight down without dieting. No money left for desserts or snacks, or sometimes even lunch.

The Institute appreciates your support. And if you are ever down their way, feel free to smoke 'em if you got 'em.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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