Written by Frank Michaels
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Tags: city, Subway

Friday, 16 May 2014

image for The NeoMetro - May 2014 Life in the Neo Metro

Greetings and saturations to all my fellow urban blighters out there! This edition gets down to the wonderfully nitty slitty with a new brick and mortar outlet in the most graffiti-ridden burrough with items you just cannot miss!

Down on the corner of 172nd and Huffslough, Dunkin' White, head of the local chapter of Decay International, has finally opened the iron bars to his little hell-spot and on his shelves (Oh my goodness my boney knees are clattering!), he has a collection of durable-decadence items that just cannot be missed!

First, for those into S&M... wall-mounted shackles, camel-hair whips, Argentine-made leather waist harnesses and most incredible, a genuine iron maiden where one can spend a night being pricked to pieces in glorious bodily locations! But, don't touch that zipper, the first 25 creatures to crawl into his little dungeon will receive, at no cost, a genuine Anarchist tattoo on their buttocks!

(I'm sorry, I am so excited... I need to go to the alley for a pee. Be right back.)

Next up? Diversified Products' newest hair-styling kits and what a job they can do for those who tend to look so normal, so respectable that they are mugged nearly every night of the week! These are now available from Groper Joe's over in Penetration Park and also in their new location at Hairy Narrows.

Finally, we recieved a note from Meatslack's Pubic Pub to share their apologies for those who were turned away from last week's Finger Flicker Friday. Morgan Meatslack promises that power will definitely be flickering this upcoming Friday so no one HAS to see who they are rubbing with.

Well, that's it for this edition. Stay wet, stay dark and whatever you do, stay scarred for life!

Past Editions of NeoMetro:

April 2010

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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